Parts of a Whole: When Sleeping Beauty Wakes
by GrimBarillian
Summary: *third in the series* Raven is still suffering after helping Speedy, the rest of the team struggles with how to deal. Now Speedy is coming home and the Titans must figure out how to keep their family from imploding
1. Chapter 1

**AN: This is the third in the Parts of a Whole series, if you have not read the first two (Lilacs and Candlesmoke, Dream Within a Dream) I encourage you to read them, this story is a direct follow up to Dream Within a Dream. For the readers who are returning to continue the series, first off let me say thank you so much for taking the time to read my stories and I hope you are enjoying them. Second I will go ahead and let you know this story is probably going to be much slower to start than the previous two, but I promise it's going somewhere! :) As always thankyou for taking the time to read my story please leave a comment and let me know what you think! R&R :)**

Chapter 1

For three months Robin had been visiting her each day, twice a day he would bring her a fresh cup of tea. He would tell her about the missions, the arrests, the mistakes and improvements of the team. He would tell her how much they all missed her, how much he missed her and every day she remained in her black cocoon. He had not been able to return to nevermore since the day Love had told him she would need to rebuild herself. He could feel her, on the edge of his mind he knew she was still there. For now that would have to be enough.

For three months Roy had been talking about his problems every day, twice a day sometimes. He told the counselors and other patients about his past, about his father figure, about his own doubts, about his love for Jade, and about his lost daughter. He told them about Raven too, about how she saved him, and how she suffered still because of him. Every night he thought about her, remembered her, and though she had only appeared once in his garden and they had not spoken, he now talked to her every night as if she was there and could hear him. For now that would have to be enough.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Six months had passed and still nothing changed. It was clear that Beast Boy had given up hope. He had begun to withdraw from them all, stopped playing jokes entirely and didn't even comment when Cyborg cooked meat. No one had anything to say that made a difference to him.

Now he sat in Raven's chair holding one of her big old books, thinking about her. They had a strange friendship, they were opposites. She liked art, novels and quiet. He liked video games, comic books, and playing tricks on people. Hardly a day had passed between them without Beast Boy being tossed out a window by a blast of black energy. Most people thought they could barely tolerate each other, but truthfully she was special to him. He admired her intelligence and strength. Though she could never really show emotion or her own pain she knew when others needed her and she always came to them. She was the best of them.

He felt the anger rising in him again, it was all Speedy;s fault. That selfish bastard was the reason Raven was lost to them now. He had done this to her, it was all his fault. Beast Boy stood up and threw the book as hard as he could across the room, it hit the wall hard and fell to the ground. A startled Starfire and Cyborg jumped up from the couch where they had been watching a movie.

"Beast Boy you must be careful with friend Raven's books or she will be very angry when she wakes up." Starfire flew to the fallen book and tenderly picked it up smoothing out the pages that had been bent.

"She's not going to wake up!" shouted Beast Boy angrily.

Starfire drew back and clutched the book to her chest.

"That's not true. She will get better and she will wake up." She tried to keep her voice steady but the fear leaked through. "Won't she?" she choked out after a long pause glancing at Cyborg.

He walked over and put an arm around her, holding her protectively.

"She's going to be fine Star. It's just going to take time and patience." The last was directed at Beast Boy.

Beast Boy laughed angrily, and fell back in the chair with his arms crossed. The sound of Cyborg's communicator went off, he patted Starfire on the shoulder to make sure she was ok then stepped aside to answer the call. Robin entered the living room; he brought with him a cold cup of tea and emptied it into the sink. The sight only fueled Beast Boy's anger. Cyborg closed the comm and returned to stand beside Starfire, he glance at each of them, but didn't hold anyone's eye.

"That was Bee," he paused looking at Robin, "Speedy is being released in a couple days, she thought we might want to know."

Beast Boy's skin burned, his mouth set in an angry expression and his teeth began to grind. Raven was trapped, would probably never wake up, but Speedy was fine.

"Good. We should invite them over in a week or two; throw a welcome home party or something." Robin said coolly.

Starfire happily agreed and spoke of making a friendship pudding. Robin smiled at her excitement and turned to pour a fresh cup of tea. Cyborg smiled at Starfire but it faded quickly as he looked at his green friend.

"A party?" asked the changeling. "You want to throw a party for Raven's murderer?!"

"BB.." started Cyborg.

"No! It's his fault! If he wasn't so selfish! So stupid! How could you? How could you even think of inviting him here! He should be kicked out of the Titans and forgotten!"

"Beast Boy!" Robin shouted, slamming the cup of tea on the counter. "Speedy is a member of our family, a good man and our friend. You don't turn your back on a friend. Raven knew that." Robin picked up the tea. "We all miss her Garth, but she wouldn't want us to blame him."

He moved to leave the room; he stopped and glanced back at Beast Boy.

"And I never want to hear you refer to her as dead ever again." His voice was cold. He turned and left them.

Beast Boy let out an angry huff and got up to leave as well, Cyborg stopped him.

"BB I know you're mad but Robin's right, Raven would never want us to turn on each other. Or blame Speedy."

"Yea? Well she's not here is she? That's his fault. Raven should be here with us, happy and alive. Speedy should have died that day, alone and miserable." His words were cruel, his voice twisted with rage.

"Beast Boy you don't mean that." Cyborg said with concern. Beast Boy shoved Cyborg's arm away and left the room.

He pushed open the door to his room, he was angry still, so angry, but he was so tired. For the past few weeks sleep had been an issue, at first it was just hard to sleep, but now his dreams were haunted. It was never a solid dream, just pieces of information. A green hood, a smiling mask, an empty crib, a laugh, a needle, none of it made sense to him but the dreams filled him with sadness and pain. He struggled each night to wake up to escape the dreams, but being awake brought its own sadness and pain.

**AN: In case it wasn't clear this chapter is 3 months after the quickie first chapter, just showing a time passage.**


	3. Chapter 3

Roy looked around the room a last time he had packed everything, the room was bare. All that was left were memories. The past six months, his breakdowns, his fits, his tears, his growth. In a few days this room would belong to another lost soul and Roy would be forgotten.

He looked over at the window; it was small, lined with an almost invisible wire meant to keep you in without making you feel like a prisoner. He had looked out that window every day. Sometimes hoping to see familiar faces, sometimes praying he wouldn't.

Other than Karen, Mas and Menos had been the first to visit him, they were quiet at first but Roy took them to the game room and it got easier, they loosened up and laughed with him. After a few visits they finally opened up and told him how they had felt how scared and confused they had been. He tried to comfort them, shared some of what happened. He didn't tell them all of his history, not because he wanted to hide it anymore but because some of it they simply couldn't understand or it would hurt them to know.

Not long after the twins Aqualad had made his appearance, his first visit was short long enough to walk in punch Roy hard in the face and walk back out. But once that was out of the way they spent several afternoons talking it out, he held nothing back and they were now closer than they had ever been. One time he had even brought Starfire with him, apparently they had started dating. Roy was happy for them and to see Starfire, who mostly spent her time hugging him and telling him she forgave him and wished him to come home soon.

Karen had been a steady figure in his routine, she visited every week, she kept him informed and connected to the outside world and offered him support. She had even helped him talk to Robin, who couldn't get away from Jump, she would call him on the communicator and then he and Speedy would talk. Roy was surprised at first at how understanding Robin was about the whole situation, so calm and collected. He had expected anger, resentment, and a lot of angry lectures. But instead he got understanding, patience, and firm reinforcement.

They talked about Raven, Roy told him some of what had happened in his mind and Robin told him how she was doing, about her cocoon. Roy wanted to know, he wanted to hear about her, but every time they talked about her his guilt overwhelmed him.

He had seen Cyborg once, he had come alone about a month ago, and he spent the entire day with him, just the two of them. He was angry, but not so angry they couldn't talk it out. Roy held nothing back with him; he told him everything that lead up to the moment at the docks and everything that he could remember from inside his mind. It was hard for Cyborg to hear, especially when Roy told him about her 'death', but it gave him understanding.

Beast Boy had never made an appearance or sent a message, and from what Roy had been told about his reaction to all that happened he wasn't surprised.

"You ready?" Karen asked from the doorway.

"Just saying goodbye," he smiled at her, "because I am never coming back here again."

He watched her face light up, her smile was filled with pride.

"Well then let's get moving, the guys are waiting at home for you, I hear there may be cake involved." She replied with more joy than he had heard in a long time.

He laughed and grabbed his bag, he was going home to Titans East, he was scared, but he was hopeful. He had new goals, new perspective, new ways of thinking. Roy was a new man; he would be one that would make them all proud, one that wouldn't let _her_ down.


	4. Chapter 4

Robin read the same report again, he wasn't focused. His mind kept wandering, kept reaching out to the wall dividing him and Raven. She was there; he could feel her on the other side. He was sure she was getting stronger, the last time he had taken down his wards he had found hers up and stronger than before. It had to mean she was stronger.

He knew the others were worried but they had never really understood the bond he and Raven shared, telling them wouldn't ease their fears. Only he understood what it meant, how it felt to have this connection to her. He smiled. He wondered how it could have taken him so many years to realize how much she meant to him. There was a knock at his door.

"Robin?" it was Cyborg.

"Come in Cyborg." He replied closing the report he had yet to actually read.

"Actually you need to come out, we've got a problem."

"What kind of problem?" Robin asked as his door opened.

Cyborg motioned for him to follow and began towards the living area of the tower.

"You know Beast Boy hasn't been sleeping and is on edge about everything, well, we got a surprise visitor a few minutes ago."

Robin glanced at Cyborg for an answer but as they reached the living room he saw all he needed to. Starfire was using her alien strength to hold back a massive green lion growling with bared teeth and swinging his massive claws at a man on the ground, a red headed, masked man.

"Speedy." Robin whispered pulling a small item from his belt. He walked quickly towards the group.

"Robin please help, I cannot restrain friend Beast Boy for long, he is very angry." Starfire said in a strained voice.

He came up behind Beast Boy and raised his arm bringing it down quickly into the lions back, a loud growl came out and after a minute the lion fell to the ground and changed back into the small green man.

"Sedative, take him to bed." Robin explained holding up the small stick he had pulled from his belt.

Cyborg picked up Beast Boy and headed down the hall, Starfire moved to pick up the knocked over chairs and table that had apparently been between Beast Boy and Speedy. Robin reached a hand down to Speedy and pulled him up.

"Not exactly the welcome I was hoping to give you, but I guess it will have to do."

"Serves me right for showing up unannounced, among other things, I shouldn't have come. I wanted to see if he was willing to try to talk, but I can see that's not possible. I'm not really sure why I didn't wait. Just felt like I needed to do it."

"He's taking it all really hard. He can't see past it, has no room for hope only anger. I'm sorry Speedy, I don't think this is something that can be fixed right now." Robin reached a hand out to Speedy's shoulder. "Let us take you out to dinner, we can spend some time with you, and Beast Boy can sleep it off."

Speedy nodded and followed Robin towards the door.

Beast Boy didn't know where he was. The room around him was dark and twisted, there were two windows, one let in moonlight, and the other let in a dark red light. Nothing was right, the bed was on the wall, the table was on the ceiling, there were overhead lights on the floor. He felt confused and anxious. He stepped forward, everything changed. The walls around him fell away, the floor beneath him disappeared. He was left floating, in a black space. He could tell if he was outside or inside.

Not far from him to the right, he could see something; it was barely visible at first, like it was appearing from nothing. But as it became solid the shape became clear, it was a window. He moved toward it, nothing happened, he didn't disappear, nothing changed, and he pushed forward again. When he reached the window he looked in.

He saw a woman, a beautiful woman. She had long dark hair, curling at the ends, prominent dark eyes, high cheekbones, a small but stout nose, and red pouty lips. She had a dangerous smile, one that walked the line between wicked and sexy. This woman had a great figure, and he was getting quite a view of it. She was in bed clearly naked but with a sheet draped across her most sensitive areas.

Beast Boy wanted to feel awkward and embarrassed for looking so long, but he couldn't turn away or shake the sadness he felt instead, this was somehow a bittersweet moment.

"I love you." The woman whispered.

Something told Beast Boy this was the first time she had said this. The window disappeared, another appeared behind it, and he moved to look through it. He saw the same woman, fully clothed and standing alone. Her arms were down at the small bump of her belly, she looked in his direction and smiled, it was not the wicked smile from before, this smile was soft and caring, this one had happiness in it. The window disappeared again. To the left there was another.

The same woman again, but now she looked determined; her wicked smile returned but didn't have the sexy quality to it anymore, just danger. His mind raced with feeling, somehow he knew she had betrayed him, she wasn't the woman from the previous windows anymore. She stepped toward him, she lifted her hand and Beast Boy saw metal shards made into claws, her hand came down, he expected pain, but instead he saw a flash of purple eyes, wide with shock and pain. He saw a tear in them form and fall. He saw the light fade from them. He felt rage and sorrow within him rage, but it wasn't his own.

Everything changed. The windows were gone, the darkness was gone, his eyes opened and as they adjusted he found himself awake in his own room at the tower. His head was throbbing, his mind was confused, he was still tired. Part of him wanted to sleep, to see more, most of him wanted to stay awake and avoid seeing those eyes again.


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: Hey guys! Sorry this one is moving a little slower than the previous, if i am honest I have to admit I have more ideas for the next than this one. I know where I want to go with this, but, i'm having a little bit of difficulty trying to show the different sides of all our beloved titans. If any of you wonderful readers would be so kind as to let me know what you think of the story it could be a great help! Thanks for reading and please leave me a review!**

Chapter 5

They had taken Speedy to their favorite pizza place, it was a good visit, there had been jokes and laughter, but Robin was glad to be home. He had said goodnight at the door and headed straight to his room. He looked down at the reports again, he wouldn't read them. He moved to get dressed to go to bed, but he wasn't ready for sleep.

He waited until he had heard them all pass by his room, until he knew everyone had gone to bed, and then he walked out to the kitchen and made a cup of tea. He grabbed the cup and made his way to Raven's room.

He set the cup in the same place he always did, on the night stand beside her bed, he pulled a chair over from her desk and sat down. He looked up at the cocoon of black energy that stayed above her bed. Somewhere inside was Raven, his Raven.

"Hey Rae, I thought it would be a good time for one of our late night chats. I brought you a fresh cup."

He sat quietly, there was no response. He knew there wouldn't be.

"Roy's back, I thought you might want to know." His voice was quiet. "He got out a few days ago, I didn't expect to see him so soon, but he came by today, he's here right now staying the night. Beast Boy didn't take it well. He's still pretty angry."

Robin sat forward; he stared down at the floor. He tried to swallow the lump in his throat.

"I can't really blame him." He sighed. "I thought that I understood, that I didn't blame Roy for anything, but.. seeing him today. Hearing him laugh, watching him smile. I couldn't help it. All I could think was that it should have been you. You should have been the one laughing with us."

His face was hot, his eyes began to blur as the tears collected.

"You should be here, you should be whole, and you shouldn't have to be rebuilding yourself now! Why did you go? Why couldn't you just stay?"

The tears were growing; he held them back as much as he could.

"Why did it have to take me so long to understand how important you are to me?" He whispered. "I miss you Rae." His voice broke. "Please come back, come back to me."

He let the tears fall.

Roy had been sitting for almost two hours outside of Raven's room, at first he had been waiting, he had arrived almost the moment Robin had. He had hidden in the shadows and given his friend privacy, but he still wanted to see her. Robin had spent an hour alone with her, and then he had gone back to his room. He had looked sad. Roy felt his heart sink.

Now he had been simply sitting outside her room for an hour, afraid to go in, afraid not to. He wanted more than anything to talk to her, to tell her how sorry he was, how much he wished he could trade places. But he couldn't even get past her door.

"It can be overwhelming the first time you see her." Cyborg's voice startled him and made him jump up from the seat he had taken on the ground.

Roy looked up at the mechanical man before him; he glanced back at Raven's door and then looked at the ground.

"I haven't made it past the door."

Cyborg nodded knowingly. It had taken him a long time to come see her, when he had it had taken even longer to come back.

"What are you doing here?" asked Roy quietly.

Cyborg stepped forward and sat on the ground next to the door and encouraged Roy to sit next to him.

"I visit her at least a few times a week, when I want to make sure I'm not bothered I come late at night. It makes it easier to talk to her."

"I'll go. I don't want to intrude." Said Roy quickly, moving to stand.

"Nah, it's ok."

Roy looked at Cyborg carefully, and then sat back down. The two men were thoughtful and quiet.

"I shouldn't have come." Roy sighed.

"Why did you?"

Roy was quiet, he thought for a few minutes, tried to find the right words.

"I'm not completely sure. I wanted to try to talk to Beast Boy, and to apologize to all of you. I wanted to see her.. to really see what happened to her. Honestly I was going to wait, but I felt like I needed to come now." He replied. "Karen tried to talk me out of it. I guess I should have listened."

"Beast Boy will be alright. He might not be ready to talk, he might not even be willing until after she wakes up, but he'll be fine." Cyborg said.

Silence fell between them again.

"Beast Boy has every right to be angry at me," Roy said sadly, "I'm angry at me. I wish she hadn't have come. I wasn't ready to die and I am thankful to have another chance, but, not at this cost."

"She wouldn't have done it if you didn't deserve another chance."

Roy smiled, he remembered when she had told him that she couldn't ignore his cry for help, she couldn't let him suffer, and she wouldn't let him die alone. He could still feel the touch of her hand against his face, see the look of sadness and compassion in her eyes, and feel the warmth of the tears on his face. He closed his eyes, he could see her again, see that soft sweet smile, her deep purple eyes, and the he saw her in his arms the way she had been in those last moments together, the light fading away and still she tried to give him hope. His heart ached.

"How could anyone ever see darkness in you." He whispered. He felt the tear slide down his cheek. He let it fall.

"We can go in together, if you want." Cyborg said quietly.

Roy shook his head.

"I can't, not yet. It's selfish, I know. I just can't do it yet." Choked out Roy.

Cyborg stood and offered his hand to Roy who took it. He helped him up and then put a hand on his shoulder.

"Believe me, I understand. She would too."

Roy nodded and moved to go back to his room; he looked at the door and whispered an apology. He continued walking and turned back in time to see Cyborg take a deep breath and enter Raven's room.


	6. Chapter 6

Beast Boy turned away, he didn't want to look into the new window. Another appeared, he still didn't want to see. He tried to walk away but found another window. He wanted to wake up, to get away from this place.

"Wake up! Wake up! Come on man wake up!" He pulled his hair, tried pinching himself. Nothing seemed to work.

He was surrounded by windows now, there were five of them. He didn't want to see the images they held, the feelings they would force on him, they always ended up painful. He had enough pain of his own. But then he heard a laugh, a familiar laugh, one he would never forget. He spun around to face the window behind him. He swallowed hard and moved towards it.

It was a sunny afternoon, the small rocky shore that held the tower. The water lapped up and down in small waves. The sound of footfalls on the small stones was heard, and then she appeared. Her blonde hair shone like gold in the afternoon sun. She held that smile that told him she had something fun planned. She looked different; she didn't wear her usual outfit of yellow shorts, black shirt, brown gloves and her trademark goggles. Instead she wore a black and yellow sun dress. She looked beautiful. The window faded away.

Beast Boy remembered that moment. It was the day he and Terra had gone on their first date. He had been tongue tied trying to compliment her, she had giggled and blushed. It was one of the happiest memories he had. He moved to the next window.

Tara lay naked sleeping in her bed; the sheet was pulled up covering her most intimate parts. He moved a strand of her blonde hair away from her eye, he felt rather than saw himself smile. She reacted to his hand touching her skin, she smiled and turned towards him, her eyes opened and she whispered to him. He moved to hold her. She laughed and rolled on top of him. The window faded away.

A tear rolled down his face, partially because he remembered that she had whispered she loved him, but mostly because he knew what came next. He turned to the next window.

She hovered above him on a large chunk of rock; her eyes glowed with yellow power her golden hair flew back from the force of pulling from the earth. She laughed and hurled boulders at them all. Behind her a one eyed mask echoed her laughter. She had joined Slade and tried to kill them, she had betrayed them, betrayed him. The window faded.

Beast Boy stood with two windows left, he wasn't sure what else it would show him, wasn't sure he wanted to see. He wiped the tears away and slowly moved to the next.

This window was different, it wasn't a clear memory. It looked like a concrete room, it was dimly lit, just a few small hanging lights from the ceiling. It was cold and lonely, and it made Beast Boy feel depressed, slowly lights began to come on. They were small track lights each lighting up a portrait, he could see clearly that each portrait held a frozen memory of Terra, some good, some bad. Each was important to him. A light in the center of the room came on, he saw a huddle up body on the floor, and it was him. He was crying, his heart was broken, he remembered all the pain. He felts so alone, so lost, so betrayed. He remembered thinking nothing would ever make him feel better again. Then he saw a familiar deep blue cloak. Raven sat down next to him. She took his head in her lap and she rubbed his back. She never said anything only offered him comfort and support. She had helped him through this, had helped him heal. The window faded.

Beast Boy looked over at the last window, what could it possibly show him? He moved toward it.

In this he saw the same concrete room, the same dim lighting. It held the same depressing feeling, but there was more, more loss, more desperation. The lights began to come on; the portraits were of the dark haired woman with the metal claws. Some images made him smile, some made him angry, and others broke his heart. There was one image he couldn't see clearly, but it looked like a child, this image made him feel everything, the happy, the sad, the angry, and the desperate. The light came on in the middle, he couldn't see who the man was, but it was definitely a man. He looked more broken than Beast Boy had, he looked skeletal. The blue cloak appeared again, she held him in her arms, holding his head against her chest and wrapping her cloak around him. She offered him comfort, protection, and words. Beast Boy couldn't hear them, but he knew they meant something to the man. Beast Boy tried to lean closer to hear what was said but he was shocked to see Raven look up at him, their eyes met, she smiled. The window faded.

"Come back!" Beast Boy shouted. "Raven! Come back! Please!" he spun around looking for another window, looking for anything. There was nothing, he was alone. "Please come back Raven." He whispered.

He smelled something, something familiar, floral or smoky. Lilacs and candle smoke, he turned and saw a flash of a white cloak before he suddenly saw his room around him. He was in his bed. He had finally woken up.

**AN: R&R! Please and thank you! :) :)**


	7. Chapter 7

Speedy had been trying to enter Raven's room most of the morning, but he still couldn't get up the nerve. He had wanted to talk to Robin, see if he had any words of encouragement, but Robin had turned away the moment he spotted Speedy walking towards him. Cyborg was in the garage making adjustments to the T-car, he really didn't want to bother him anyway. Starfire was packing to spend a few days with Titans East so she could see Aqualad. Beast Boy wasn't even an option. Speedy was left with only himself.

He put a hand on the door, tried to will himself to go in. He just couldn't do it. He sighed and again apologized before walking away full of shame.

"It was like she was really there." Smiled Starfire.

"Starfire it was just a dream." Sighed Robin.

"No Robin, you do not understand, it was more. I could hear her voice, touch her hand, see her face, I even smelled her. Friend Raven came to me in my dreams. It was a glorious night. We laughed, we talked, she even told me a secret." Her voice was filled with excitement and happiness.

"Star, I know you want it to be real, but Raven is still healing. I'm sorry, it was just a dream." Robin said firmly, and walked away.

Starfire stood where he left her; she wanted to believe the dream was real, to believe that Raven had come to her and shared a happy dream. But Robin was so sure, so firm in his reply. She felt her heart grow heavy.

"Starfire?" came a voice behind her.

Starfire turned to find Speedy coming down the hall opposite the direction Robin had left, he smiled at her.

"Are you ok Starfire? I thought you were packing."

"I was. But then I saw Robin walking in the hall and I wanted to tell him about the dream I had." She said sadly.

"Was it a bad dream?" he asked with concern.

She looked up at him, unsure if she should tell him.

"I'm sorry Star, it's none of my business," he said quickly, "but, if you want to talk about it, I'm here." He smiled at her and turned to walk away.

"It was not a bad dream. It was a wonderful dream." She said quietly.

Speedy turned back around and smiled warmly at her, encouraging her to continue.

"There was a garden, full of beautiful trees, with small pink and white flowers, when they fell off the seemed to float. They were beautiful."

"Cherry Blossoms?" Speedy asked quietly.

"I do not know, but they were beautiful. I think they might be her favorite, she seemed very happy to be near them." Starfire smiled happily at the memory.

"She?" Speedy asked hesitantly looking at the ground.

Starfire looked away; she was worried what he would say.

"Raven." She said quietly and began to chew lightly on her lip.

Speedy looked back up at her.

"You saw Raven?"

"Yes, she was in the garden."

"That's nice." He said with a smile.

"You believe me?" Starfire cried out with excitement.

"Of course Star." He laughed. "Why wouldn't I?"

"Oh," she sobered, "You think it was just a dream. That I imagined her."

He came close and put a hand on her shoulder.

"I believe you saw her Star."

Starfire looked up at him; there was hope in her eyes.

"Really?"

"Yes of course." He smiled. Starfire beamed with joy.

"She stayed with me for a while. We talked, she told me it was ok to be happy." Her voice was calm, it lacked its usual energetic happiness, but it held something more. "We walked under the beautiful trees, she took me to a small bridge over a stream, the flowers fell and floated to the water, then the water would carry them away."

Speedy listened with new interest, the place she described was so much like the dream Raven had given him, the place where he got to be with his daughter.

"This place sounds amazing. Did she say what it was?" he asked trying to keep his voice calm.

"She said it was a gift."

"A gift?"

"Yes, she said that it had been given back to her, that it was a place she would never again forget. I didn't understand, but she seemed happy. So I was happy." Starfire smiled. After a moment her smile faltered and she looked serious. "Speedy, why do you believe me? Robin did not believe me at all."

Speedy remembered seeing Raven at the edge of the cherry blossoms of his mind.

"Because she visited my dream once too."

"Really?"

"Yes, it was only for a moment, and we didn't talk, but, it was her." He smiled.

Robin quietly moved out of the shadows and continued down the hall. He had heard enough


	8. Chapter 8

**AN: I have been having a lot of computer problems the past few days so I'm sorry for the lack of chapters, I am barely able to get you the two I am posting tonight. Hopefully this weekend I can get a few more up but it all just depends on how nice my laptop is feeling. As always thank you for your patience. Please R&R!**

His vision was hazed, he couldn't see anything clearly. He heard a muffled voice, someone talking. His vision was focusing becoming clearer but still somehow it was hazy. He could see now that he stood in a garden, it was small, there was a fountain and there were flowers all around. The sky was a beautiful sunset, warm shades of oranges, reds, purples, and yellows. He heard a voice, it still wasn't clear to him, he moved around the fountain and was surprised to see Roy. He sat on a small bench looking out at the sunset.

"Starfire says you came to visit her in a dream." Roy smiled. "I know no one else believes her, but I do. Maybe it wasn't really you, maybe only a part. But I'm sure you were there, just to make her smile." He stood up.

"_Is he talking to Raven?"_ Robin thought to himself from behind the fountain.

Robin moved back around the fountain trying to keep out of sight, but still keep an eye on Roy. Roy walked across the little garden he moved oddly. Or it appeared odd to Robin, Roy almost seemed to move without moving, like a he would simply appear a few steps ahead of where he had been. Roy went to what looked like a grove of cherry blossom trees. It almost formed a wall. He came to the edge and looked up at them. A flower fell; it seemed to slowly blink down towards him until it was in his outstretched hand. He looked down at the small flower.

"You told me I destroyed that place, that I destroyed your most precious memory." His voice was sad and broken now. "I thought it was just one more thing I had stolen from you."

Robin saw something that made him stand up straight, that made his heart ache, he saw Raven. She stood on the other side of Roy; she was directly in front of him standing in the cherry blossom trees. Roy looked up.

"I want to believe it's true. I want to believe that somehow you got it back, that I didn't take that away from you. Is that selfish?" he asked.

Robin stared at Roy, and then he looked back at Raven. How could he not see her? How did he not realize she was right in front of him? Raven watched Roy carefully. Robin could see now that her appearance was transparent, he could see through her. She turned to look directly at Robin. He jumped. She smiled at him. He felt the urge to go to her to talk to her, tell her everything he wanted to say to her. He moved to take a step forward. She leaned her head to the side curiously, and then shook a no at him. She turned and began to walk back into the cherry blossoms before she disappeared completely. Robin felt like he had lost a chance, lost the moment he had been wishing for for so long.

"Goodnight Raven." Roy sighed softly. Letting the small flower drop to the ground, he moved slowly back to the bench.

As Robin watched him he finally understood what he was seeing, he looked back at the cherry blossom trees. What Roy saw as a sacred tribute to Raven, Robin saw as a ward to separate Roy's mind from Raven's. The link that Robin and Raven had, that special bond that only they understood, that only they shared, was no longer just theirs.


	9. Chapter 9

Speedy had been gone for two days but still the mood in the tower was tense. Starfire had gone with him, Robin had dove head first into his work, he was reviewing old cases, training at all hours, he still kept up his visits to Raven but the few times Cyborg had passed Raven's room he never heard Robin's muffled voice, just silence.

Beast Boy was still holding on to his anger, he would snap at the smallest problem, the slightest argument. He had tried several times to actually fight with Cyborg. It was clear he hadn't been sleeping, he seemed to do everything he could to avoid it. He drank as much caffeine as he could get his hands on, Cyborg had found various stay awake pills, and he had even started going on nightly flight patrols. The less sleep he got, the angrier he seemed to get.

"Remind me, why did Star get to go and I had to stay here?" asked Cyborg into his open communicator.

"Because you never leave the nuthouse unguarded or the patients might get loose. And Aqualad had business to finish up here. Bad day?" laughed Bumble Bee on the other side of the communicator.

"Bad few months." He grumbled back.

"I am sorry, really." She said seriously.

"Come on Karen you know I didn't mean anything about you. You're the best part of all my months." He tried to joke.

"I know. But Vic I never should have kept it all a secret, if I just would have trusted you-" she began apologetically.

"If we had all just done this or that than everything would be peachy. But we can't. All we can do is move on. I know how sorry you are, I know how much you wish you could change what happened, we all do. But seriously Karen, it's not your fault. It happened and it's over, Speedy seems to be doing well, and Raven," he got quiet for a moment, "well, you can't ever really count out my little sister. That girl is tougher than anyone knows."

"Aint that the truth." Smiled Bumble Bee.

"Karen, I know how guilty you feel, and I know you want to talk about it. But do me a favor ok?"

"What's that?"

"Let's talk about it face to face, when I can hold you in my arms and look into your eyes, when I promise you that I understand, that I love you, and that there is nothing to forgive."

"Deal." She smiled

"Good! Now let's talk about more pleasant things, how about-" Cyborg was interrupted by the sound of shouts coming from the living area. "Karen I gotta go sounds like one of the patients is off his meds." He shut the communicator as she said goodbye. He ran towards the shouts.

"If I wanted a sausage pizza I would have ordered a sausage pizza! This isn't what I ordered!" shouted Beast Boy at the pizza delivery boy he held against the wall.

"Dude, those are mushrooms!" cried out the boy.

"Dude! I can smell the sausage! You put sausage on my pizza! Did you think you could trick me?! Think I wouldn't notice the difference!?" Beast Boy shouted before turning into a bloodhound and sniffing at the air. "You can't fool me! I know there was sausage on that pizza!" he growled.

"Hey everybody what's going on here?" asked Cyborg glancing at the frightened pizza boy.

"I swear man, there is no sausage on that pizza!"

"Hey BB, how about you go have a seat, and let me deal with this guy? Ok?"

Beast Boy turned back into his normal form and walked into the living room grumbling to him. Cyborg turned to the pizza boy apologized and gave him a hefty tip before sending him on his way. He placed the pizza on the counter, and moved closer to the couch that Beast Boy occupied.

"So want to tell me whats up?" he asked carefully.

"That stupid pizza boy put sausage on my pizza. I don't eat meat. I can smell the meat!" shouted Beast Boy getting angrier as he spoke.

"Ok. Ok."

"I don't eat meat!"

"I know. It's ok."

Cyborg moved closer standing almost directly behind Beast Boy.

"Why don't we call the pizza place and see if maybe they can just remake the pizza, the right way, and send it?"

"I'm not paying for it! I don't eat meat." Grumbled Beast Boy.

"Got it. No meat." Said Cyborg just before quickly injecting Beast Boy with a strong sedative.

"What did you do!" shouted Beast Boy jumping up. He started to change into a gorilla, then morphed into a lion, then a kangaroo, and finally a kitten. "What did you do?" he asked weakly, his voice pitching, his vision darkening, his head swimming. He changed back into his normal self, he started to fall but Cyborg caught him. His world was fading. "What did you do?" he whispered, as the last thing he saw was those purple eyes.


	10. Chapter 10

He fell through the darkness; he felt heavy, weak, tired. He was helpless. There was no end; he would fall forever, alone. No one would save him, no one would help him. The air around him became thick; he could feel his lungs feeling with every breath, it was spreading into him, taking his life. He panicked; he tried to find something, anything to save him. He was choking, he had no air left, he would die, alone in the darkness.

Something grabbed his hand, held it tightly and pulled him. He felt himself being dragged out of a thick liquid, he coughed as his head was freed. He opened his eyes and saw a thick black sludge, he panicked again his coughing grew worse. He stood on his hand and knees gagging and coughing up the thick sludge from his lungs. When he was sure it was all out he laid back and stared up at the white ceiling, he was in a big open room it was all white except the black pool in the center.

The sound of soft footsteps was coming to his left; he turned his head to see who had saved him. His eye widened, his heart raced, he tried to jump to his feet but couldn't get the balance. Her hands reached him before he could fall back down, he looked back up and locked eyes with hers. His dark green met her deep purple. She smiled that smirk of a smile that was hers alone.

"Raven?" he asked softly afraid his voice would shatter this dream.

"Hi Beast Boy." Her voice held a soft vibration, an echo.

He couldn't help himself, he threw his arms around her and held her tightly, he didn't care if she was angry, he didn't care if it was just a dream, she was here. She returned his hug.

"Are you real?" he asked quietly still holding her tightly.

"Yes," she said, he let out a sigh and smiled, "and no." he pulled away and looked at her. He noticed for the first time that her uniform was not the blue it was supposed to be, it was white.

"I am a part of Raven, I am what she will eventually be. I am balance."

"But you aren't real?" he asked.

"Not yet. Right now Raven is healing, she has no control of her powers that is why it was necessary to bind her body."

"The black cocoon thing?" he said with a shutter remembering the one time he had caught a glimpse as Cyborg had entered her room.

"Yes, it keeps everyone safe from the excess energy needed to heal her completely."

"She wouldn't need to heal if Speedy hadn't tried to kill her in the first place." He growled.

"Oh Beast Boy." White Raven reached a hand out and touched his cheek softly. "That is why I am here. Raven is connected to all of you, you are her friends, her family. She feels what you feel, your pain, your sadness, your anger. You especially."

"Why me?" he asked quietly.

"Because you have so much pain and anger, you hold on to it as if it connected you to her. She is worried about you."

Beast Boy was surprised. Raven was trapped in a black ball of energy trying to keep herself alive and she was worried about him? He was angry, he was very angry. Didn't he have a right to be? Should she be?

"So she sent you out to talk to me?" he asked. She smiled.

"No, Raven has no control over me, I am her most basic and most advanced form, I heal first and last. I have come to you, and each of the others, as it has become necessary to help you. Starfire felt guilty about the happiness she was feeling with Aqualad, she thought she should still be sad for Raven's sake, I showed her it was alright to be happy. That even Raven can experience happiness within her own mind."

"What do you mean? Isn't she angry?"

"Raven?" asked White Raven genuinely confused.

"Yes!"

"Why would she be angry?"

"She's trapped in a black cocoon dying! Because Speedy was too damn selfish to just die!" shouted Beast Boy.

"She isn't dying, she is healing." She paused. "Do you think she would have been happy if he had died?"

"No, but she would be better than she is now!"

"How do you know what she is now?"

"Did you forget about the black cocoon of death?!" his voice held irritation.

"I know it better than you do." Her voice was calm with an edge of warning.

Beast Boy stepped back.

"Would it surprise you to know that Raven stopped Speedy's death? That she kept him alive and swallowed his death into herself to do so? That she knew she would die either way, whether he survived or not?"

"You said she's healing, that she isn't going to die." He said quickly with a hint of fear.

"She isn't," she said, he relaxed, "but she was supposed to." His eyes widened and his chest tightened.

"What do you mean?"

"When he called out to her she could feel death on him, taste it, when she joined herself to him, he was dead, he literally had only seconds left. She used her own life in exchange for time. Before she ever left her own body she knew it was the cost, but she went. She exchanged her life for his."

"It wasn't worth it." He growled.

"You hate him so much? Why Beast Boy, what has he done to you?"

"You said it yourself, he killed Raven. Or he tried to."

"No he didn't."

"Fine he didn't actually try to kill her but he pretty much did. He called out to her when he knew he was dying, he asked her to join him in death. As far as I'm concerned he killed her. She was just stronger than him." He said bitterly turning away from her.

"No he didn't. He called out to her when he was dying because he was scared, he called out to her because, like any other person, he didn't want to die alone. But he never called out to her to kill her. He didn't even understand the danger of her being in his mind until it was too late. She went to him knowing the cost, she had no doubt of her own death, and she went. She chose to die, no one killed her. But he saved her."

Beast Boy turned to face her.

"You heard me. He saved her. She was supposed to die; she gave her life to save his. That should have been the end for her. But when he understood what was happening, when he understood that she was dying for him he tried to make her leave, she refused. Then something happened and she lost her control, she was truly dying. He gave her something, he may not have even realized what he was giving her, but he gave it to her all the same. It saved her life." White Raven smiled.

"What did he give her?" Beast Boy asked, he found himself truly interested for the first time, in knowing what had happened in Speedy's mind.

White Raven looked at him, her expression was serious, and she seemed to almost study him.

"Do you really want to know? Are you ready to understand all that has happened?" her voice was serious. Beast Boy swallowed hard and nodded.

"What did he give her?" he asked quietly.

White Raven took a step towards him.

"In order for you to understand his gift, to understand what it meant to each of them, you must know all that happened. It's not as easy to hold a false grudge against someone when you understand the truth."

Beast Boy stood up straight and looked at her with a set face. He knew the truth already, Speedy was a selfish bastard who only cared about himself, and nothing would change his mind about that. He nodded to her.

"We are only observers, all that we see here, has already happened, we cannot change it, we cannot stop it, we can only watch." White Raven said as she took his hand and the white room around them began to change. The sky turned black as night with red glowing stars there was no moon in sight. The ground below them turned from white to a dark thick mud with red stones scattered about. They stood amongst many large ugly scarred and twisted trees without any leaves.

Beast Boy saw movement ahead of him, he recognized Speedy. Speedy stood up and looked around he seemed confused, then he seemed mesmerized by the trees, Speedy just sat there for a long time. Beast Boy was about to say something when he heard Raven's voice, he looked back at Speedy and saw above him in one of the trees a dark bird, the bird slowly turned into Raven.

"Hi Roy."


	11. Chapter 11

**AN: I'm not going to lie this chapter hasn't been edited at all, I basically typed and posted. My computer has been a real pain lately and has made writing very difficult so I am taking advantage while I can. So I am really sorry of there are a lot of errors or misplaced thoughts, I didn't even get a chance to read it through. I just wanted to get you guys an update while I could. Thank you for reading I hope you enjoy. Please Review!**

Beast Boy found himself struggling to try to help them; he didn't understand why Green Arrow was attacking, why would he do that? He tried to turn into a rhino to charge him, a bear to maul him, anything. He couldn't change, he saw Raven fall and he shouted through angry tears. He turned to White Raven.

"Why aren't we helping them? We can save them! They're going to die!" he shouted.

She looked at him with her head tipped to the side.

"You said you wanted him to die, now you want to save him?" her voice was steady; it held no emotion only a hint of curiosity.

He looked at her for a moment, considered her words.

"If we save them now maybe she won't end up the way she is."

White Raven shook her head and looked back at Speedy who was now curled up in a ball being repeatedly kicked by Green Arrow.

"These events have already happened. We cannot stop them, we cannot change them. I told you before, we are only observers."

Beast Boy watched as his old friend was beat by the man who raised him, he watched the pain spread across his face, heard the sound of his cries of pain. Then he heard the whispers, he felt the sadness that filled Speedy, felt the need to end the suffering. So much pain, so much suffering, he just wanted peace, just a moment to forget it all. Beast Boy's eyes caught a glint of light, something shiny near Speedy. He wanted to run to it, to take it. He knew, something promised him, that shiney thing would make it all disappear, all the pain, the sadness, the anger. He took a step towards it.

White Raven put a hand on his shoulder. It became clear to Beast Boy what was happening, he saw the needle for what it was, he saw the darkness that surrounded Speedy.

"What was that?" asked Beast Boy almost breathless from the experience.

"In order to understand, you must know the truth, not just in words, you must know it as Raven knew it. Through his emotion, through his suffering, through his pain."

Beast Boy looked at White Raven, and then back at Speedy, he remembered the almost corpse he and Starfire had found on the docks that day. Now he would feel all that he felt, know all his suffering. It was harder to hold on to his anger as he remembered the strong pull of the needle, the wish for peace. Then he remembered Raven, trapped inside the black cocoon, he remembered Tara. His anger flared.

"None of us have easy lives, but the rest of us deal with our own problems, we don't make everyone else suffer for it. Nothing you're going to show me here will make it ok."

"I'm not trying to make it ok, I'm trying to help you understand."

Beast Boy was suddenly aware of the conversation between Speedy and Raven, he was telling her about Green Arrow and Black Canary, about how they had found out about his drug use, about how Green Arrow had almost killed him. Beast Boy was shocked, he had been angry, had hated him, still did, but he couldn't believe that Green Arrow had actually hurt him, he was a father to him. He had always heard that they had broken their partnership because Speedy wanted to try new things and see new places, now he knew the truth; he kind of missed the lie.

_"I don't want to lose you either. Take care of him Raven."_

The voice echoed around him, he looked down at Speedy and Raven, they didn't react. It was his own voice; he turned back to White Raven.

"She could hear you all, she may not have been aware of it, but she could. Those were your words to them, you wished for both of them to return, you asked her to help him."

"I didn't mean at the expense of her." He replied quietly.

"The price, or the one who pays it, isn't your choice. I already told you she knew the price, she came here regardless. Do you think she would so casually waste her life, that she did not consider the worth?"

"She is worth a lot more than him."

"And who would be worthy? Whose life would be an acceptable exchange for Raven's?" she watched him closely her head again tilted to the side.

"No one, Raven's life is more valuable than anyone else's." Beast Boy replied with a growl. Turning to look back at Speedy and Raven who now sat close again a rock wall.

"I see." White Raven said, turning away from him. "And what about Tara, what if it had been she who called out to Raven."

Beast Boy turned quickly back to her, his heart sped up and his face flushed.

"The day she joined with Slade perhaps? Or the day she was cast in stone. If she had called out to Raven for help and Raven knew she could save her. Would you have told her not to go?"

Beast Boy stared at her angrily.

"Would you?" she asked again.

"That's not fair." He replied

"Answer the question."

Rage ran wild within him, he was angry she had brought Tara into this; angry she suggested that it could ever have happened, and mostly angry that he couldn't answer, he didn't know. He wanted to deny it, wanted to say that he would never have let her go, but he couldn't. He loved Tara with all his heart, if there had been a chance to save her, but Raven was his friend. It was too hard.

"Love can cause us all to consider things we normally wouldn't, make us see things in a light we could never see before, and sometimes it can show us the darkness within ourselves or make us blind to the darkness of the one we love." Her voice was soft and sad. She held out her hand and pointed back at Speedy and Raven.

Beast Boy followed her direction, he caught a brief glimpse of what looked like Raven kissing Speedy and then his mind was filled with memories of the dark haired woman he had seen in the windows before. Jade. Her name was Jade, he loved her, she loved him. They weren't supposed to fall in love, he was on assignment he was supposed to find evidence against her, capture her, and bring down her drug ring. But she was different than he had expected, she was beautiful and kind, funny. Cheshire, his heart broke, she was Cheshire. More memories flooded him, pain, suffering, longing. He went through the motions, tried to forget. He went back, he searched, and he found her. More memories. Happiness, sadness, disguises of all kinds. Pain, desperation. The memories slowed down, everything was sad, bitter, there was arguments and broken promises, and then there was an image. A black and grey image. His heart swelled, he would be a father. Happiness again. He had never known so much joy, so much hope. He had dreams, dreams of a small child, a house, a family and a normal life filled with happiness. Memories, an open door, empty closets and drawers, a note. His heart shattered, his hopes were torn apart, and his dreams were destroyed. He searched and searched and found nothing, darkness closed in on him. He had never known so much pain, never felt such emptiness.

Beast Boy regained his mind with a gasp. He was on his hands and knees, his eyes stung and his face was wet with tears. His lungs were on fire from the deep breaths he was taking and the screams of pain he could not control. His chest was heavy, his stomach tied in knots. He felt sick, he felt angry, he felt crushing sadness. There was so much, too much to bear. He didn't think he could survive anymore. He looked out at Speedy again, he sat broken and empty, Jade kneeled before him, she held his chin in her hand, her voice was soft and sweet. He missed her, he wanted to forget it all and go back to their happiness. It was all too much, she opened her palm to him. Beast Boy felt himself growing sicker; he felt the need to remove the pain the wish for peace, the guilt, the shame. He closed his eyes and hated himself.

"Please Raven, it's too much.. make it stop." Beast Boy begged.

"I am sorry, we must observe it all, you must understand all that happened." She whispered in his ear softly.

Beast Boy felt his body getting heavier, his chest felt tighter, his heart grew weaker and weaker, he knew his relief was inches away, a relief that was also his torture. He was so weak, but his pain was too much. He just wanted it to end.

"Daddy!"

Beast Boy's eyes shot open.

"Now the painful memories begin." Whispered White Raven.


	12. Chapter 12

Beast Boy felt like he was floating in a sea of happiness, like nothing bad could ever happen again. He had his daughter, they lived in a world of beauty and peace and nothing could ever separate or hurt them again. Raven was with him, she was always there playing with Lian, teaching her about flowers, taking her for walks. The three of them would talk together, play together, it was like they were one small happy family, and no one could ever harm them. He never wanted to leave.

He regained his mind, he saw clearly, this place was beautiful. Cherry blossoms were in bloom everywhere he looked, the small cottage, the bridge with the running stream. It was peaceful and beautiful. He watched Lian and Speedy playing in the grass, Raven kneeled at a flower bed plotting a new flower. He saw her cloak, he saw the fading color around her.

"What's happening to her?" he asked White Raven.

"You pulled away from him to soon. Watch." She pointed at Speedy who sat alone in the grass as Lian joined Raven.

Dinah appeared behind him, he heard them argue heard the words, listened to what they meant. Dinah accused him of selfishness, of killing Raven. Beast Boy felt the confusion, the desperation.

"He didn't know." He whispered.

Dinah hit Speedy, she hit him again and again, they continued to argue, and she continued to call him selfish.

"He didn't know!" shouted Beast Boy, trying to stop Dinah from hitting Speedy again.

Beast Boy saw each of the four new champions appear behind Dinah, felt the pull of each of them, felt the regret and sadness at having let them all down. He had betrayed them each in his own way. He felt regret, sadness, and then he felt realization. Horrible painful realization, Beast Boy dropped to his knee as the guilt and shame washed over him, as he followed Speedy's gaze to Raven, her cloak was tattered and colorless, he was killing her.

He looked through Speedy's eyes as he took in the beautiful world, as he looked at his daughter, at the home they had together, he listened to her laugh and watched her smile. He cherished every moment and felt the heart break of losing her all over again.

Beast Boy watched the conversation between Speedy and Raven, felt all of Speedy's desperation to keep it, to live out the rest of his time with Lian, but his determination not to let Raven die with him.

"He is scared for her." Beast Boy whispered.

"He does not want her to die." Said White Raven.

Beast Boy watched White Raven carefully he saw sadness on her face, he was about to ask what was wrong when he heard the Raven in Speedy's mind say something.

_"..my daughter did."_

His own mind echoed the shock and confusion of Speedy's they were both curious and baffled. Beast Boy walked forward into the scene that played before him, they sat together on a stone bench he sat down in front of them on the ground. He listened to her story with his own ears and mind.

He looked around again at the beauty of this place as she shared that this was her daughter's dream, he looked at each corner of this peaceful world and it broke his heart to think of both the joy and pain it must bring to Raven. He glance back at White Raven, her face was solemn. Raven continued, she now spoke of the father, the man she had loved, the one she had planned to spend her life with. He jumped up in surprise when he heard her say Red X. he was shocked and even more confused. Raven had loved Red X? His confusion was stopped for a moment as his mind seemed to connect again with Speedy, he felt what he felt, he felt a confusing sadness at knowing someone had Raven's heart. Beast Boy looked at Speedy, he almost saw a new pain developing in him.

But it was quickly forgotten as both Speedy and Beast Boy recalled the fate of Red X, he remembered the mission, the fires, the death of Red X and power that Raven had unleashed that night. He had not known what any of it meant, and he had never been told. He understood now, and his heart broke for her. Beast Boy wanted to reach out to her, to offer her comfort.

"We are just observers." Whispered White Raven.

He turned and looked at her, her face seemed neutral but beneath the mask he saw the sadness, she was a part of Raven, the most basic and the most advanced, Raven's pain, was her pain.

"I'm so sorry." He said to her.

White Raven looked at him and her face faltered for a moment slipping into a sad look, and then her smile came back.

"Thank you." She whispered.

_"..what doesn't belong here can't stay."_

He felt panic, regret, sadness. Raven was telling him that her daughters dream would be destroyed within his mind; Speedy was trying to tell her, it was his fault. He was telling her that he had brought her here out of selfishness, that he had been afraid. It took all his strength to tell her, but she already knew. Beast Boy watched them talking, he felt the genuine concern from them both. Raven had known, she had known before she even came to him. But she had come anyway. She really did believe he was worth the sacrifice.

The purple eyes flashed before him as they had in so many dreams before. But now he understood, now he felt the pain, the sadness, the panic, the desperate need to save her. Beast Boy howled in his anguish. There was nothing he could do, he was an observer, he could only watch as she died, and as Speedy begged her to live. Raven lay in his arms dying, still wanting him to fight, Speedy only wanted her to live. He held her close and begged her. The pain he felt crippled Beast Boy, his heart ached and his mind screamed. Time was running out. He kissed her. Everything stopped.

Beast Boy was wholly himself again, he had no lingering emotions, no lingering thoughts or questions that weren't his own. He stared at the frozen moment before him. He stared at it for a long time before he turned to White Raven.

"He loves her?" he asked.

She smiled that small smile.

"I cannot speak for him."

Beast Boy looked at them again. He thought he saw something else, some small glow around them.

"What is that?" he asked.

"The gift." She said.

"But what is it?"

"He gave her a part of himself, if he had not already been in the care of the Titans he would have died instantly. He gave her his remaining energy in the form of returning a portion of her child's dream. He could not return it all to her, some had already been destroyed, she will never again be able to see the original design, Eric and Arabella won't appear there again. But she can see it, she can walk amongst the cherry blossoms and remember it all for herself. In short, he gave her hope. She was almost entirely gone when she left his mind, she should have died, but with hope, there is always a chance. He gave her his hope for her life, for her to have a future."

"With him?" Beast Boy asked still looking at the frozen image of Raven's death.

"No, he was sure he would die in his own mind, but he wanted to die knowing she lived, and that he was no longer as selfish or weak as he had started. Do you understand Beast Boy?"

He stared at Speedy and Raven still.

"I think so." He said quietly.

"What is it you think you understand?"

"They both gave up their lives for each other." He whispered.

"Ok, ok fine you are better at this game than I am. I accept defeat." Laughed Speedy putting down the controller as Mas and Menos shouted victoriously.

Aqualad and Starfire had gone out for a night on the town and Bumble Bee sat at the table reading a newspaper. Speedy moved to join her but heard the door.

"I've got it." He called out and headed to the door.

He was not expecting anyone but when the door opened and he found Beast Boy on the other side he was shocked, and a little concerned.

"Beast Boy.. I.. what are you doing here? Is everything alright?" his voice came out louder and shakier than he had anticipated. Bumble Bee showed up behind him almost instantly. She moved to stand between them.

"We need to talk." Said Beast Boy.

"Ok BB we can all have a nice calm rational conversation." Said Bumble Bee.

"Speedy and I need to talk privately."

"Well from what I understand the last time you guys were together you tried to maul him with some pretty big lion claws, I can't really let that happen, makes me look bad as a leader." She replied.

Speedy put a hand on Bumble Bee's shoulder.

"It's ok," he looked at Beast Boy, "Let's go for a walk."

An hour later Beast Boy and Speedy sat silently in a park.

"You felt the things that I felt?" Speedy asked carefully.

Beast Boy nodded.

Speedy had told Cyborg, Bumble Bee, Aqualad and Robin about what had happened in his mind, he hadn't mentioned the more intimate moments he shared with Raven or a lot of his more personal feelings throughout, but this was different. He felt naked in front of Beast Boy. Exposed in a way he couldn't quite put into words. But he also felt bad for Beast Boy, to have had to experience those emotions, to feel that pain, to watch Raven die.

"I'm sorry Beast Boy, I really am." He said quietly.

Beast Boy nodded again.

They were quiet again.

"And you said Raven did this?" Speedy asked

"No, yes, kind of. It was a part of her. White Raven. Our Raven is still in her black cocoon thing healing, this is a part of her that came to help us, because Raven thinks we are all being crybabies or something like that." Beast Boy replied, rubbing his arm with his hand. He had come to get answers from Speedy, to talk about what he saw. He managed to explain it to him, but now he wasn't sure what he wanted to know. He understood but he didn't.

"Like with Star? She had a dream that Raven came to her and told her to be happy."

"Yea that was White Raven." Beast Boy answered.

Speedy nodded in understanding.

"Do you love her?" Beast Boy asked

Speedy found himself caught off guard, he didn't know how to respond at first, felt awkward talking about this. But Beast Boy had been in his mind, seen what had happened, felt what he felt.

"I don't know.. I think I might. I don't know what was real and what wasn't in there ya know?" he said quietly.

Beast Boy nodded.

Silence fell between them once more. Speedy stared out at the pond they sat beside; he watched the ducks swimming across the water trying to think of something else to say.

"Well I guess I will see you Saturday." Beast Boy said in his old cheerful voice and stood up to leave.

"Wait, what?" Speedy asked with complete confusion

"Saturday? We're throwing you a welcome home party at our tower. See ya then." Beast Boy turned to walk away.

"Wait!" shouted Speedy still reeling with confusion.

Beast Boy turned and looked at him.

"I don't understand.. are you not angry at me anymore?" asked Speedy with a hint of confusion and a dash of caution.

Beast Boy thought carefully.

"I don't think so. I mean I'm still upset about Rae, but I understand what happened better now. It wasn't your fault. Yea you made mistakes, but you're working on it, Rae chose to go to you, and as long as she comes out of this then I can't really say she made a bad choice. Besides, I know how you feel about her, I know you never wanted this to happen, and that you would trade places with her if you could."

Beast Boy smiled at Speedy, it wasn't his old ear to ear smile, it was a half smile, but it was a genuine smile. He turned and walked away. Speedy stuck around the park a while longer thinking about all that had happened, and wondering why this White Raven hadn't visited him.

_Raven stepped into the moonlight entering from her single window, she looked tired and bruised, it was clear she had just come from battle. She looked worn out, sad even. Red X stepped into the light, he removed his helmet and a man with dirty blonde hair and ice blue eyes stared back at her, his expression was mournful, he looked over her bruises. They stared quietly at each other, silent words were spoken, and then they held each other close. Their lips touched in a soft kiss._

_A flash of a pale naked back in the moonlight strands of purple hair, that same dirty blonde man kissing her skin._

_Raven sat in the middle of the empty docks she screamed, there were no words, only a scream. Her eyes began to glow white, dark energy began to spread over her body. Every inch of her was completely covered in dark energy, the air around her pulsed with energy. The scream stopped and a shockwave of energy burst out._

_Raven stood silently in front of her chair, her eyes lit up with a white glow and a look of sadness crossed over her face as she whispered "Speedy."_

_Speedy and Raven sat close together on a stone bench, his arm wrapped around her, her head rested on his shoulder._

_Speedy held Raven in his arms, holding her close to his chest, he set her back, her head in his lap, and she smiled up at him, reached a hand out to his cheek. He knelt over and kissed her._

Robin shot up in bed with an angry snarl. He saw Speedy's lips touch Raven's again and he reached over and grabbed his alarm clock, throwing it hard against the wall.


	13. Chapter 13

**AN: Sorry for the wait, I would like to say the updates will be more frequent but I'm not gonna lie there is a good chance I wont post again til at least next weekend if not longer I'm sorry guys :(**

The tower was full of life and energy as the two titan teams gathered. A few honorary members had also come to the party, Jinx, Kid Flash, and Wonder Girl all made an appearance. It was a welcomed surprise to everyone at the party to see Beast Boy back in his good spirits. He was laughing and making jokes, there was still a sad silence around him when he sat still for too long but they all had their own moments of reflection.

Starfire flew from small group to small group offering everyone a drink or snack, her excitement at having friends all around her again was clear. Aqualad caught her between groups and made her dance with him. They smiled and laughed together happily. Mas, Menos, and Beast Boy were calling out to start a new video game tournament, Kid Flash wanted to join, but Jinx told him no and dragged him over to dance alongside Star and Aqualad.

Bumble Bee, Cyborg and Wonder Girl all sat together at the dining table talking about various improvements they had made to their weapons, armors, or defenses. All around friends enjoyed each other's company. Speedy looked around with a smile, it was more than he had expected. But there were two people missing from this happy event, one he would give anything to have there, and the other who had been avoiding him. He glanced at the door leading to the roof access and slipped away.

Robin sat quietly on the rooftop looking over the lapping shore of the small island the tower sat on. The moonlight made the water shine like a layer of diamonds sat just below the surface. He remembered standing at this very spot time after time, night after night, wishing for Raven to wake up or at least call out to him. Tonight he sat here listening to the party below his feet and felt irritation. He knew he shouldn't, he had been one of Speedy's biggest supporters, had defended him tirelessly to the others. And yet here he sat wishing Speedy would just leave. Since he had been back he had done nothing wrong, but having him back had just reminded Robin how much he missed Raven, how long it had been since he saw that small smile, or heard her quote some classic author that only he would recognize. Or looked at those beautiful deep purple eyes, he leaned against the edge of the building and let out a deep breath.

"You've been avoiding me." Came a voice from behind him.

He didn't need to look but he cast a glance over his shoulder anyway. He wore jeans and a red sweater, his hair was a little longer than usual, shaggy. Roy was dressed casually, he was Roy, his mask was in his hand and Robin saw green eyes looking at him.

"Yea, I have." Robin said turning back to face the waters.

"Richard, we've been friends a long time. Other than Dinah, you're my oldest friend. I don't want there to be a problem between us. Can we please just talk about it?" Roy asked moving closer but still giving Robin his space.

Robin didn't respond.

"Even Beast Boy talked to me." Roy tried again.

"I know, tonight was his idea." Robin said coolly.

Roy nodded his head silently. He didn't know what to say. Roy had been raised by Oliver who barely knew how to keep his mouth shut but Robin had been raised by the king of bottled up emotions and silent treatments. If he didn't want to talk about it, he wouldn't. Except to Raven, he could always talk to Raven. Roy glanced back up at Robin, he still had his back to him, he wanted to ask him, but he couldn't. Roy turned to walk away.

"Have you seen her?" Robin asked. Roy turned around; Robin still had his back to him.

"What?" Roy asked.

"Have you seen Raven." Robin asked, he looked over his shoulder at Roy. Then he turned to face him. "Since you've been back, have you seen her?"

Roy stared at him, and then turned away.

"I couldn't get past the door." He said sadly.

"That's not what I meant." Robin replied, his voice hinted at his growing irritation.

"Then what did you mean?" Roy asked, genuinely confused.

"In your dreams, in your thoughts, in your mind."

"I guess Beast Boy told you about his trip with White Raven? Going through the memories of all that happened in my mind?" Roy said uncomfortably.

"Yes." Robin replied bitterly. He didn't understand why Raven had appeared to both Starfire and Beast Boy but would not come to him, would not bring him comfort. They had a bond, a trust. They shared something special, he glanced up at Roy, or at least it used to be special.

"Did she come to you?" he asked again, this time unable to hide the building anger in his voice.

Roy looked at him with confusion and hesitation, he heard the change in Robin's voice but he didn't understand it. He took a step towards him and noticed that Robin moved into a slightly more defensive position. Roy became uneasy.

"No," he replied cautiously, "I saw her once briefly after I went to rehab, it was really only a moment, and I probably imagined her honestly. Other than that I have only seen her in memory."

"In memory? What kind of memory exactly Roy?" his words were like dripping with poison.

"What do you mean?" Roy asked. This conversation was unexpected, he couldn't figure out why Robin was so angry.

"It's not a hard question Roy, what kinds of memories do you have about Raven?"

Robin's voice was calmer now, this only heightened Roy's awareness of his surroundings, and this would be a bad place to fight.

"The way she helped me, our conversations, and happier times like what's going on downstairs before I lost myself."

"That's all? You don't remember anything else?"

"Richard, what are you trying to accuse me of?" Roy finally asked.

"How close did you get to her when she was in your mind exactly?" Robin asked.

Roy's eyes widened and he flushed. He remembered his more intimate moments with Raven very clearly, he treasured them. But he also remembered when his mind had forced Raven to act intimately with him. He knew how he felt towards her but he had no clue if she shared any of his feelings, until he could actually talk to her, he would try not to think about it. But he wouldn't lie to Richard.

"We kissed."

Roy felt himself lifted off the ground before he registered the sight of Robin moving towards him, Robin had flown at him in an instant and tackled him against the door he had come to the roof from. Robin held him hard against the door.

"You took advantage of her!" Robin shouted angrily.

"What?!"

"She came to you to help you, to ease your suffering and bring you back and you took advantage! You forced yourself on her!" His words were filled with anger and pain.

"No! That's not what happened! You don't know you weren't there Richard! I wouldn't do that!" Roy shouted back at him, his own anger was rising.

"Am I supposed to trust you? To take you at your word? You had no problem lying to me before why would you now?"

Roy brought his arms up to his chest and with force flung them outward knocking Robin's hands off of Roy.

"Damn it Richard I have changed! I'm not that person anymore!" he shouted angrily

"The person who would leave their friends and city for a criminal? Who would lie, and falsify evidence so that his girlfriend wouldn't go to jail. Can you change that? You think for a second I believe Raven would come near you willingly knowing that?"

Roy's eyes darkened, his anger was taking hold of him, his sadness and bitterness over all that had happened with Jade rose to the surface and washed over him again. His betrayal, his heart break. His daughter. Raven knew, she knew and she still consoled him, still offered him support, she understood. He put the mask he held in his hand back on and stepped forward, putting himself inches away from Robin, their angry eyes locked on each other.

"I didn't falsify anything Dick," he put emphasis on the name, his voice was steady but angry. "I didn't share all I knew, but I didn't lie and I didn't change anything, not to the authorities. I held back information, like Raven did for Red X."

Robin stepped back in shock and surprise.

"How do you-?" he began to ask but his words fell in his understanding.

"She told me everything." Roy said sadly. His fire still raged but the memory of her sadness, of all her pain was enough to remind him to stay calm.

Robin stared back at Roy, Raven had told him about Red X, about Eric, and their child? Until now only Cyborg and Robin had known, and only Robin had been Raven's choice. He had been the one to tell Cyborg because he needed to know to treat her symptoms the night her family died. But she had told Roy, had shared this private and terrible moment in her life. Yet again, what was once just theirs, now also belonged to Roy. Sadness rose in him, threatened to knock him over, and then he remembered the images he had seen, remembered Roy's lips on Raven's, his fist connected to Roy's chin and his knee found the soft flesh of his stomach.

Beast Boy mashed down on the controller trying to make his character punch and duck and jump away from the character Kid Flash was controlling. It was a close game, they had each taken a round and this was the final round, both their health meters were low but he almost had him, just one more punch. He heard the caw of a raven, he looked up and saw outside the great window a white raven just floating back and forth as if searching the room for something. He looked around, no one else seemed to notice. It cawed again and flew straight up. He ran to the window and looked up but saw nothing, he looked around the room.

"I won!" shouted Kid Flash as his character made the final blow. "You lose Beast Boy!"

"There's something wrong." Said Beast Boy still looking around the room.

"Oh come on don't be a sore loser, I won fair and square you're the one who got distracted and let it mess with your focus." Said Kid Flash mock defensively.

Beast Boy noted that both Robin and Speedy were gone, and the door to the roof was slightly opened. He ran to the stairs, noting his strange behavior Cyborg and Bumble Bee followed after.

Robin and Speedy tumbled around together each trying to gain the upper hand. Speedy punched Robin in the face twice and separated their bodies. Robin moved to kick Speedy but Speedy jumped back and immediately forward catching Robin off guard and landing another punch in his stomach. Robin went to his knees and recovered enough to sweep Speedy's legs then he pounced on him. They were both out of breath but wild with their own anger, Speedy tried to turn them and hit Robin, Robin blocked but Speedy was able to roll them and move away. He was not quick enough to avoid the kick that Robin landed in his chest, he fell to the ground. Robin got on top of him and pulled his arms up holding his hands in a double fist preparing to land a hard blow to Speedy's chest.

Robin was quickly pulled off of Speedy, after a moment of struggle he recognized the mechanical arm that held him, it was Cyborg.

Speedy was trying to catch his breath but also trying to reach Robin, he was exhausted but he still wanted to fight. Bumble Bee held him back.

"What is going on here?" asked Cyborg struggling to hold Robin.

"None of your concern, let us go and go back to your party!" growled Robin.

"Dude you know we can't do that. Come on relax. What happened?" said Beast Boy standing between them like a referee.

"Hey, hey," Bumble Bee whispered to a struggling Speedy trying to catch his eye, he looked at her angrily. "Talk it through, remember? Talk it through."

Speedy's anger cooled almost instantly, replaced by guilt. He remembered his coping skills, remembered to breathe, to think through the problems. He stopped struggling and Bee let him go, he pulled his knees up to his chest and just sat for a moment. He was still angry, but his mind was clear enough to know he didn't need to fight with Robin.

"I'm ok." He whispered back to her.

"Let me go Cyborg." Growled Robin.

"Right, like that's gonna happen." Cyborg replied.

"I'm your leader, do as I say!" Robin shouted.

"Act like my leader and I might!" Cyborg shouted back.

"Raven doesn't want you guys fighting." Said Beast Boy quietly. Everyone turned to look at him, Robin stopped struggling.

"What? How do you know?" Robin's voice came out quickly.

"I came up here because there was a white raven outside the window, it cawed to get my attention and then it looked around the room and flew straight up, so I looked around and saw you guys were missing and roof door was open. She led me here to stop you guys." He said. "It was her."

Speedy looked down even more ashamed of himself than he was before. Cyborg and Bumble Bee glanced at each other unsure what to think.

"Let me go Cyborg, I won't do anything. I promise." Robin said quietly.

Cyborg let him go cautiously, ready to grab him again if he made a move towards Speedy. He didn't. He just walked away quietly leaving the rest of them to wonder what was happening.


	14. Chapter 14

Robin stalked down the hall ignoring the calls of his friends and teammates, he needed to be alone. He was headed in the direction of his room but something caught his eye, a white light, no, a white cape fluttering in the corner of his eye. He turned, nothing was there. He heard a whisper down the hall. He followed it carefully. He continued down the hall, he was getting closer to the whisper. Then he saw her the way he had seen her before, powerful and beautiful. The White Raven.

He stopped and stared at her, she made no movement or sound. She stood outside of Raven's room, he opened his mouth to say something the room opened and she slipped inside closing the door behind her. He ran to the door and flung open the door.

"Raven!" he shouted as he burst in the room.

"Richard?" she asked looking up at him with surprise.

Robin staggered back, he expected to see the White Raven, hood drawn and cape flowing. The Raven he saw before him had no hood, no cape, and was definitely not in white. This Raven lay on her side in a bed, the covers drawn down enough to show she wore a black tank top, the curve of her hip was bare a thin strip of dark blue fabric covered the skin that divided hip and thigh. He had seen her bare legs many times, but somehow in this way, in this setting it was as if it were through a new perspective. He could see the lean muscle in her legs, enough to tell him she was strong but still feminine enough to make his flesh ripple. His eyes traced her legs back up, he caught himself before he thought too long on the flesh beneath the dark blue panties. Her shirt was snug, it showed off her flat stomach and as much as he tried to restrain his own thoughts he couldn't help but note the perkiness of her breasts. Her hair was still the same unique and beautiful color it had always been, but now it was long and layered, she was propped on her elbow and he could see that it likely reached her mid back.

As their eyes met Robin gasped, it was her. The real her, her eyes, her soulful deep eyes could never be forged, this was his Raven. Fear crossed those eyes, she sat up and moved off the bed towards him.

"Richard what's the matter?" her voice held a mild panic in it.

"You're back." He replied softly with a smile.

Her face scrunched and she tilted her head slightly in confusion. She opened her mouth to say something but he ran to her and took her in his arms holding her tightly.

"I missed you so much, I felt so lost without you Raven. Never ever do that to me again." he whispered into her ear.

"Richard I-"she began.

He ran his fingers through her hair, enjoyed her lingering sent of lilacs and held her tighter just to know she was there.

"I have to tell you something Raven." He said softly. He pulled back enough to look her in the eye but still hold her in his arms. She was so beautiful, so strong and yet so fragile. He brought his hand to her chin and rubbed his thumb against her cheek. He smiled at her, and she looked at him with a mixture of confusion and curiosity. "I love you Raven. I should have told you a long time ago, and every day after. I was an idiot, but I'm not anymore. I love you Raven."

She smiled up at him and reached a hand out to his face, he leaned into it and she let out a small chuckled.

"I know Richard, and I love you." She whispered as she closed the small space between them.

Her kiss was warm and sweet, it sent chills through his core. His hands found their way to her hips and pulled her closer to him, her kiss grew more passionate, and he found himself moving closer to the bed. Her arms moved around his neck, she pulled away from his lips long enough to let out a small laugh and use his shoulders as leverage to lift her legs up around his waist. His hands moved down to her legs to give her support and he closed the distance to the bed, he lay her down and looked down at her as she looked up at him with a devilish grin. He smiled and bent over to kiss her again.

His mind raced and his body burned with passion, he longed for her, dreamt of this moment, now it was here. She was awake, he had told her he loved her and she had returned his love. She was his.

Robin lay in the bed with his eyes closed, Raven had her head on his chest and he ran his fingers down her bare back. He had never felt so much pleasure or so much happiness.

"What was in that water?" asked Raven with a laugh.

"What?" asked Robin with honest confusion.

He felt her move to prop herself on his chest to look up at him, he opened his eyes and looked down at her, her bare shoulders and wild hair was enough to make him consider their previous activity again.

"You got up to get a glass of water and come back in shouting my name then acting like you haven't seen me in years, and then we made love like it was our first time together. Don't misunderstand, it was amazing, but it felt like you were seeing me, exploring me for the first time again. So again I ask, what was in that water?"

He moved to sit up forcing her to also sit up. She pulled the sheet around her. For the first time he saw the sheet, it was white, it wasn't the black her sheets had always been. The bed was larger than her bed used to be, he looked up at the walls and saw they too were no longer black and shades of grey or dark blues and purples. The room was bright, the sheets were white, and the blankets were light greens and creams. The walls were olive green with an accent wall of dark brown and a stone fireplace in front of the bed. There were paintings and flowers decorating the room, this wasn't Raven's room.

"Where are we?" he asked

Raven looked at him with confusion.

"Where are we? Richard this is our bedroom. Are you ok?" There was true concern in her voice.

"Wait, 'our' bedroom?"

"Ok you are beginning to frighten me, what is going on." She wrapped the sheet tighter around her and moved to sit on her knees.

Was this a dream he wondered, had he imagined this all? Was he asleep in his bed, was Raven still trapped in the black mass?

"Are we together? Do we share a room?" he asked.

"Are we- Are you serious?" her voice was shaky, he knew she was getting scared, unsure what was happening or what she expected he tried to comfort her.

"Sorry, I took a hard hit to the head last night, everything is a little fuzzy." He said with a smile.

Her face grew sad, her fear replaced by what seemed to be disappointment. She got up from the bed and moved to a dresser. She lifted the sheet so it was around her shoulders now hiding all of her skin from him, it felt like she had built a wall between them in that motion. She seemed to be pulling clothes out and dressing under the sheet.

"You went fighting last night." She asked, her voice was calm.

"Uh yea.." he tried to think of a villain to mention but his mind was not focusing. He wanted to assure her he had been in no danger in this make believe fight. "Just out patrolling, ran into a little trouble, but it was nothing I couldn't handle. I promise." He smiled.

She slammed the drawer shut and dropped the sheet. She picked it up and threw it at him.

"You promised you were done!" she shouted angrily. "You swore that after Bludhaven it was over! I should have known you wouldn't keep your word, just like last time."

She angrily walked into what appeared to be a bathroom and slammed the door. Robin quickly got up and put on the first pair of pants he could find. He knocked on the door and tried to talk to her.

"Raven, Raven please talk to me. Just tell me why you're so upset, what did I do?"

On the other side of the door he heard her moving around, likely pacing.

"You broke your promise, again!" she shouted.

"Raven please just come out here and talk to me, we can figure this out."

The door opened and Raven stood before him dressed in a pair of dark blue jeans, black boots, and a button up short sleeved red blouse. Her hair was pulled up in a ponytail with some of the shorter pieces framing her face like long bangs. She looked as beautiful fully dressed as she did naked. He smiled at her. She did not return the smile.

"We don't have time for this. Roy will be here any minute." She said clearly still angry.

"Roy?!" Robin growled. "Why is Roy coming here?"

She looked at him with an even angrier look than he knew she had.

"To bring John home, or did you forget about our son too?" she said angrily walking past him.

He stood still, staring into the bathroom she had just left. His body frozen his mind which had raced with questions and thoughts since the moment he had first seen her again now stood perfectly still and silent.

"We have a son?" he whispered quietly to himself.


	15. Chapter 15

**AN: Yes I am a terrible terrible person who has not update in WAY to long! I'm sorry! Please don't throw stones at me! To make up for it, I bring you... *drumroll* ... a long chapter! **

**I am hoping that I will be updating more frequently now that I have taken my break and relaxed my blocked brain. This story is coming to an end soon but I hope you have enjoyed it and continue to enjoy it. Don't forget to review!**

**-Grim**

"What did you do?" came the voice of Roy as he entered the living room where Robin was examining a photo album.

Robin looked through the pages of a life he never lived. He found images of him and Raven, with no mask. On this page he found an image of himself holding the small boy Roy had brought with him, John, Raven stood beside them with a genuine smile on her face. A few pages back he had found images of a small but elegant wedding. He had seen all the faces of their friends, in all these images he wore no mask. He flipped through the pages and found that in all of these pictures he never had a mask. They never wore costumes, he and Raven lived a normal life. He picked up another album and flipped through it, he found images with their friends, Beast Boy, Starfire, Aqualad, all of the titans randomly appearing in their life, they all still wore their costumes, their masks. He found an image in the very end of the album where he and she still wore their costumes, it had clearly been years, but to him who had never lived the life he was seeing, it was only six months ago.

"She never came back to the Titans." He whispered.

"What?" asked Roy standing behind Robin with a confused expression.

Robin turned to face the red headed man he had only hours before attacked on the roof of the Titan tower. He wore mask, his eyes held a certain amount of concern and confusion. He was different. The Roy that he had fought, that he had seen over the past six months was sad, broken, and lost. The man he looked at now was strong, his feature were what they had been before, and he had an air of confidence.

"What did you say?" asked Robin trying to fall into the role he was currently playing.

"I asked what you did to piss Rae off so much. She's keeping her cool but you know the little white glow she still gets around the eyes when she's really angry.. yea you brought that out in her. I think the last time I saw that was when John was having problems with that bully at school. So, I ask again, what did you do?" his voice was relaxed and playful, there was no hint of longing when he said her name. Was this a different man?

"Nothing, we just had a disagreement." Replied Robin, he still wasn't sure what they had fought about. He turned his eyes caught sight of the window, just outside Raven was laughing and smiling, she ran forward and laughed again, he took a couple steps and saw that she was playing with the boy from the picture, John, their son. A strange feeling he couldn't quite identify went through him. A mixture of fear and longing. It made him uneasy. He turned away from them.

"You went out again didn't you." Roy said. It wasn't a question, it was a statement, one made in a serious tone.

Robin looked up and met Roy's eyes, his expression held a seriousness he wasn't familiar with seeing on that face, an almost reproachful look.

"What are you talking about?" Asked Robin.

Roy took a step closer and looked over Robin's shoulder, Robin could tell he was looking at Raven and John, a quick look passed over him, one that combined sadness and happiness. It was gone in an instant but it was there long enough for Robin to know this Roy did love Raven.

"She chose me." Said Robin before he realized he had thought it.

Roy turned to him sharply a flash of anger. But he said nothing.

"Did you go out again?" Roy asked in a serious and heated voice.

"Out where?" asked Robin, watching Roy carefully and moving himself into a more defensive position. Roy noticed, he arched a brow at him.

"Are you planning to attack me? Here? When she is right outside the window? What's the matter with you?" his voice had changed, the hint of anger it held now seemed to have changed to a sad frustration.

"She'll take my side over yours, I'm her husband."

Roy's face twisted in deep confusion. He took a step back and looked carefully at Robin.

"You still have it don't you." He finally said.

"Have what?" Robin asked with true innocence.

Roy shook his head and moved to the other side of the room and began to move books on the shelf.

"You swore to me Richard, you swore it was over. I only kept your damn secret because you swore it was the last time!" he shouted angrily.

Robin found himself truly confused and wondering what was really going on.

Roy moved books furiously then suddenly stopped. He glanced back at Robin, his eyes filled with anger and disappointment. He reached up and pulled down a box. Robin could see it had been placed in a small cubby hole hidden by a false part of the wall. Roy set the box down on the coffee table and opened it. He let out an exasperated sigh and looked up to make sure Raven was not looking in the window, Robin glanced over his shoulder, and she was still playing with John. He turned back and saw what Roy had pulled out of the box, a costume of black and blue, a black mask, newspaper clippings, and a disassembled bo-staff.

"The same husband who promised her they would leave their life of crime fighting behind and focus on a normal life. The same husband who has broken that promise more times than she can count and even more than she knows about."

"What?" Robin said with shock. They had given up crime fighting? He could not imagine a life where he wasn't patrolling each night and putting the bad guys away. They were born to be heroes, he wouldn't have given that up, and she wouldn't have asked him to either. He moved forward and looked down at the items Roy had laid out. He ran his hand over the pieces of the bo-staff, he recognized it as a design he had come up with not long ago, the costume he didn't recognize but found himself drawn to it. He picked up the clippings, they were of various crimes that had been stopped by a hero called Nightwing, Robin's memory flashed to a time years ago when Starfire had been pulled into an alternate future with Warp, when she had come back and told them of this terrible future she had said he called himself Nightwing. He looked through the clippings until he noticed that one of them was a newspaper from Bludhaven.

_"You swore that after Bludhaven it was over! I should have known you wouldn't keep your word, just like last time." _

That's what she had said before, it was true. He remembered all the images in the photo album, no masks no costumes. This Robin, this Richard had promised her a normal life, promised never to fight again. This life he hadn't lived was supposed to belong to Richard Grayson, not to Robin. And based on the number of newspaper clippings, and the amount of time they covered, Richard Grayson was a liar.

"Richard, what is the matter with you? How long are you going to keep doing this? She won't put up with it forever and she shouldn't have to. She deserves better." Said Roy, his voice was tired, clearly this was not the first time they had this conversation.

"You mean you? You think she should be with you over me? She chose me Roy, she is my wife-" Robin didn't get to finish, he found himself on the floor with a familiar pain in his jaw. Roy stood over him with a fury he had never seen before.

"You swore to protect her, to make her happy, to live the life she deserved! You promised me your love for her would be enough! The only reason I agreed to keep my feelings for her a secret was because you swore you could make her happy that you could provide her more than I was ready too!" He reached down and lifted Robin off the ground holding him by the collar of his shirt. "You are a selfish son of a bitch Richard, you lie to her, you break promises, and you put her and John at risk of losing you or becoming targets for you. I may not be perfect, I struggle with my demons every day, but I would never have put her through what you do. So yea Richard, I think she should have been with me, but she's not. You're her husband, so why don't you start deserving her instead of just acting like you do." He through Robin down and turned to leave. "Throw that garbage away before she comes back and sees it."

Robin sat dumbfounded, he was angry and confused.

"You expect me to just ignore crime around me? To let innocent people suffer?" he asked.

"You don't have to fight to help, all of those clippings you are so proud of, every single one of those crimes could have been stopped by the police, all you had to do was report them. But instead you put on a costume and you handled it yourself. I know you miss it Richard, it's a part of all of us. But Rae made her choice, she knew what she wanted in life, it didn't involve putting her life at risk every day. She gave you a choice, she told you the life she wanted, this life without masks or costumes, with a family and a house. You could have left her, she would have understood, she told you to go. But you chose her, you promised her it would be enough." He started to walk away again but turned back to Robin, they looked at each other quietly for a moment. "You need to make a real choice, I won't lie for you again. You need to decide who you are, him," he pointed to the photo that was mounted on the wall of Richard's small happy family, Raven held John in her arms and Richard had his arm around her. "or him." Roy pointed to the black and blue costume on the coffee table and walked away.

Robin sat quietly by himself. His mind raced with this information that only provided more questions. Just a few hours ago he had been at the tower fighting with Roy, then he had followed the White Raven and found his Raven, only she wasn't. He had expressed his love, had kissed and made love to her. He had been happy, and in an instant it was all wrong again.

"Wrong?" came a voice in front of him.

Robin lifted his gaze to find he was standing in all white room, or rather a space, there seemed to be no walls, or floor, or ceiling. It was just white, with no end. Before him stood the White Raven her almost expressionless eyes watched him carefully.

"What?" he asked, his voice seemed to echo.

"You were just thinking that your happy life had gone wrong, how was it wrong?" she asked.

"It wasn't real. What was that? How did you do all that?" he asked.

She did not respond.

"Where are we?" he asked.

"Everywhere."

"What?"

"How was your life wrong?" she asked again.

He looked at her, he knew without asking that she would answer none of his questions and explain nothing until he answered hers.

"We are meant to fight crime, we are heroes. How could we not be?" he replied.

She cocked her head to the side slightly. She considered him.

"Why do you fight?" she asked

"To protect the ones who can't protect themselves, to make sure the villains are punished." He said with confidence.

Around him images of people he had helped or saved appeared, the villains he had locked away or helped capture, the people he had lost or who had suffered before he could reach them. The last images included His parents and Eric. The images swirled around him and disappeared.

"This is why you fight?" she asked.

"Yes." His voice broke slightly as the last of the images disappeared before him.

She nodded.

"Where are we?" he asked again.

"Why does Raven fight?" she asked.

"You should know better than anyone. Why ask me?" he replied beginning to get irritated.

She only looked at him. He let out a frustrated sigh.

"She fights because it is the right thing to do, for the same reasons I do. To protect those who cannot protect themselves. And punish the ones who would hurt them." He said.

She was quiet.

"What?! I answered your question!" he shouted angrily.

"You fight for retribution, to seek solace for the pain that you feel. To right a wrong that cannot be righted."

"I protect people!" he shouted

"I don't deny that. Your motives are not wrong, but they are unending. It does not matter how many lives you save, or how many villains you stop, you cannot save your parents."

He turned away from her.

"You are wrong about Raven."

He did not look at her.

"She does not share your reasons. She does not share your motives. She has her own. She fought for penance."

He turned to her now.

"She has done nothing wrong." He said.

"No, she has not."

Images flooded the area around them again, this time they circled White Raven. Trigon was in them all, he destroyed worlds, committed unspeakable acts, defiled Raven's mother, and then there was a baby born with demon markings, an image of Raven as her markings came to life and brought Trigon to their world, the final image was simply Raven herself. Then they were gone.

"I don't understand, those are Trigon's crimes not hers. And why was she the last image?" he asked.

"Raven was born to end the world, she was born to bring a new age for Trigon, she was meant to be his gateway."

"But she stopped him, you stopped him!"

"Yes, after she had already let him through."

"She did that to save us!" he shouted angrily.

"Yes, but she chose to save her friends and sacrifice the world. It does not matter what the result was, she has spent her life doing penance for being born, and since she brought him forth she has continued to do penance for her own selfishness."

"She isn't selfish! She is one of the most selfless people I have ever met! You know that!"

"Yes, but she didn't. She knows now."

Confusion formed around him.

"She went to him knowing she would die."

An image of Roy appeared between them, he stood on the docs crying and alone, Robin had never seen a more tortured man. He remembered how sickly he had looked, how broken his body had been. But he had never seen the pain in his eyes, he stuck himself with the drugs and fell to the ground, he seemed to call out as his eyes closed. A black shadow of a raven appeared and entered his body. The image disappeared.

"She saw in him something he could not see in himself, something hardly anyone could see anymore. She helped him find himself, and gave him another chance to show the world he was worth it. She gave all she could to save a good man. By an unforeseen circumstance she was saved. And now she knows that she is not selfish, that she has given more than was necessary. That she is forgiven."

Robin had assumed Raven knew, had assumed she sacrificed herself for Roy, but seeing it happen, hearing the words was more than he was prepared to hear.

"But she is a hero, she loves helping people, she wouldn't turn her back on them." He said quietly.

"She would never refuse to help someone in need, but she has changed, her life is her own, her heart is free of the guilt of being Trigon's daughter. She wants things she never knew were possible to her before."

Images of Eric, of them together, of laughter, of holding each other, of touching her belly, a happy life in a small cottage surrounded by cherry blossoms. They disappeared.

"She can have those things and still be a Titan." Robin said quietly.

"Can she?"

Images of a smoldering ship, of Eric talking to her on the communicator, of her desperate pleas to find him, of the final explosion, and of the burst of energy that killed her child. They disappeared.

Robin turned away.

"I can give it up, for her, I can do it." He whispered, his voice held no real confidence as he remembered the clippings in the box.

"I will not tell you one way or another what will happen. There are endless possibilities."

"Then why did you show me that life?" he asked with confusion.

"Because Raven is who I protect, who I am, who I will be, and who I was. I do not know all the outcomes, there are an infinite amount."

Everywhere around them doors appeared, everywhere he looked there were more and more, he saw no end.

"I told you we are everywhere, this place is everywhere and everything. All time, all outcomes. You saw only one door. I shared it with you so you would understand what Raven needs to grow. There is another door, behind that door is the life Raven would lead with you if she felt she could not ask you to choose the life she needs. If she remained a Titan. The life where she stops growing, the life where she remains the Raven she has been and forgets the Raven she can become. A life where I will never exist. I could not let that happen. Of all these doors, of all the different Raven's, this Raven has come the closest, she has taken the most steps to reach me."

"Then why not just tell me, why did I have to live through it? Why did you show me a life full of lies and deceptions, I won't do that to her."

"You love Raven."

"Yes!"

"What did you think of John?"

His mind froze again, his stomach sank, his heart raced and he felt a chill through his body.

"What?"

"What did you think of John?"

"I didn't get a chance to meet him." He said quietly.

"You had a chance, you did not take it. What did you feel when you saw him? When you understood you had a son."

"She looked happy." He whispered remembering watching Raven smile through the window as she played with the boy.

"She was, were you?"

He looked up at her.

"Were you happy to find you had a son, a family?"

He remembered looking at the pictures, they held nothing he recognized, and he felt nothing for them. But when he saw the boy in the yard, a strange feeling he couldn't quite identify went through him. A mixture of fear and longing.

"Have you ever wanted a family Richard? Ever dreamed of it?"

He had always imagined his life would be one of endless battles and saving lives. He had never thought much about a family or children.

"Think about it now."

He tried to imagine a life, a life like Raven wanted where there family was what they had, where there were no villains or alarms to listen for. It felt false. He wanted to make her happy, wanted to give her everything she wanted, but he understood now why he would keep that box that Roy had shown him, why he would sneak out and break his promise.

"Do you love Raven?"

That was the man he was meant to be. His life would never be safe for a family. There would always be a chance he would not come home so that another father could. He wanted to be with her, but could he give it up for her? Would he spend their life together lying to her?

"In all the worlds, through all these doors, there has never been anyone so trusted by Raven than you."

He turned his head up to face her again and found himself alone in his room within Titans Tower.


	16. Chapter 16

"It doesn't matter, it's over and we are both fine. It was just a little shoving match. No big deal."

"No big deal?" asked Bumble Bee in a mocking tone. "The leader of the titans attacks you on the roof of the tower for no apparent reason and it's no big deal."

"Bee just let it go, Robin and I are old friends, and we've known each other since we were kids, we irritate each other and sometimes it gets out of hand. But its fine now, I promise." Replied Speedy unzipping his small duffel bag.

She crossed her arms and looked carefully at him.

"If it's so fine why are you packing up your stuff? We are supposed to be staying til Monday, last I checked it was still Saturday."

"What can I say I'm a popular guy, lots of people to see and parties to crash." He replied with a smile, she didn't return his smile.

He sighed.

"I gotta get out of here Karen, it's too much. I can't blame him for hating me, I still hate me too sometimes. Clearly this was all too soon. I called Dinah, she has been wanting to see me anyway. I'm just gonna go stay with her for the rest of the weekend, maybe a few days into the week, then I'll be back at the tower."

Bumble Bee looked at him with concern in her eyes.

"You can call her if you want, make sure I'm really going and not gonna sneak off and do something stupid."

"I trust you Roy, but is Oliver going to be there?"

Roy turned away sadly and continued to pack his other bag.

"No, he is conveniently on a mission that will last exactly as long as I am there."

"I'm sorry Roy, maybe with a little more time-" Bumble Bee started.

"Karen, I appreciate the happy thoughts, but Oliver doesn't need time, he just needs to never see me again. And I'm fine with that. Yea I miss him, I wish we could fix the problem, but we can't. It's ok, I've got you, I've got Dinah, why would I want some old dude when I am surrounded by such beautiful young women." He smiled.

She gave him a sad smile.

"Oh come on, you can do better than that. Give me that Kare-bear smile!"

"I told you never to call me that." She said with mock anger and laughed in spite of herself. "Say it again and I'm gonna have to hurt ya."

They laughed together.

"Kare-b-" he began.

"Hey." Came a familiar voice from the doorway.

Roy turned and immediately his smile vanished. He turned back to his bag and finished placing the last articles of clothing inside. Bumble Bee moved herself to stand between the two masked men.

"Speedy, I was wondering if we could talk, privately." Said Robin from the doorway.

Before Roy could reply Bumble Bee had taken a step forward.

"Oh hell no, you have got to be joking. If you honestly think I'm letting you anywhere near him then you're insane." She said with clear anger in her voice.

"Bumble Bee this is between him and me, it has nothing to do with you." Robin replied with irritation.

"He is a member of my team and a friend, the way you treat him has everything to do with me."

Robin let out an irritated sigh.

"Speedy just a few minutes please."

"Don't worry Robin I'm getting my stuff together now I'll be out of your hair in ten minutes." Replied Roy.

"We need to talk, now." Robin said in a demanding tone, his patience worn completely out.

"Don't you try to order him around, he isn't your servant and you aren't his leader." Bumble Bee replied angrily.

"If I was his leader at least I wouldn't have let him get away with all the shit he's pulled with you." Robin spat angrily.

Roy moved to stand between them.

"Hey! You say whatever the hell you want to me, treat me like shit, call me names, talk crap to me and about me, take a swing at me, I don't care. But don't you ever disrespect Bee, not ever! She is the best leader you could imagine, the bad choices I make or have made are not her fault just like the choices any of your team make are not yours. Understand me?" his voice was rough and filled with anger.

Robin looked down. He let out a deep sigh and Roy could see he was stretched thin.

"I'm sorry Bee, I didn't mean to say it. I'm just a little on edge right now and I think I am just taking it out on everyone. I'm really sorry, you know I don't blame you for what happened."

"It's fine." She replied but Roy heard the slight shake in it. He knew she struggled with the guilt of the past, no matter what anyone said she still blamed herself for all the mistakes he had made. He turned away from her sadly.

"Bumble Bee I understand your hesitation to leave us alone together, but I need to speak to him and it has to be private." Robin said in a calmer tone.

"I-" she began.

"Bee, its fine. I am finished packing anyway, he can walk me to the ship. Between here and there is enough public space I'm sure you'll know immediately if things get, complicated, again." Said Roy placing the strap of the duffel bag over his shoulder.

She moved forward and hugged him.

"Call me when you get to Dinah's, actually call me from the ship so I know he didn't throw you out the hangar doors." She whispered then left the room.

Robin and Roy were left staring at each other in silence, at almost the same moment they each turned away. Roy walked to the door and slipped by his old friend. They walked slowly down the hall the silence between them continuing. Speedy glanced over at Robin, he knew there was a reason he had asked to talk, and he would try to give him the time he needed to find the right words.

They weren't far from the hangar now, Roy glanced at Robin again.

"Look Richard, clearly you have something to say, something you don't want to or don't know how. If it's about the fight, don't worry about it. It's done, just, forget about it." Roy said.

"It's not about that."

"Well we're running out of hallway here and Dinah is expecting me." Replied Roy with irritation. He had been willing to forgive and forget until he realized Richard truly didn't feel bad.

"What do you want Roy." Said Robin, his voice was calm and steady no hint of emotion leaked through. Roy couldn't help but remember the few conversations he had had with Batman.

"You asked to talk." He replied.

"In life Roy. What do you want for yourself? I know you want to get better, to never use again, but if you were healthy, if it was under control, what would you want more than anything else in the world?"

Speedy stopped walking, Robin continued for another few steps before stopping and turning to look at him. Robin let out an irritated sigh.

"Just answer the question Roy."

He watched him carefully for another minute he knew the answer, there could be no other answer, he just wasn't sure he could handle a negative response from Robin. He swallowed hard.

"To find my daughter and give her a good life." His voice was quiet and reserved. Robin did not visibly react.

"Could you do that? Give her a good life? Even without your addiction, would the life you live be a good one for her?"

"Richard you don't have to agree with my choices, you don't even have to like them. But I will never give up looking for my daughter." He growled.

"I'm not trying to stop you, I just want to know how you honestly feel."

After another silence passed between them Speedy finally answered, though his mind raced with suspicion as he stared down at his feet.

"If I- When I find Lian, I won't be a Titan anymore," his eyes glanced up but could read nothing from Robin. "I know this isn't the kind of life she would need. It wouldn't be safe for her, and I wouldn't need the added risk. She needs me to be there for her, to read her bedtime stories and pick her up from school. I can't do that if I am running out to chase down bad guys in the middle of the day or night, and I couldn't risk them ever finding out who she was."

"You could leave this life so easily?" this time there was something in Robin's voice, something Speedy still couldn't quite read.

"It's not like that Richard. What we do is important, we protect people, keep them safe. We're heroes. Granted I'm less of one than you are, but it still means something to me. But Lian, she's my daughter. I would do anything for her, and I would do anything to keep her safe. I can still find ways to help people, to protect them. But I have too much to lose now to keep taking the risk."

Robin only nodded. Roy watched him carefully, he still didn't understand why Robin was asking, he was waiting for him to judge him, to tell him what a fool he was but Robin said nothing. They had reached the hangar and Roy had dropped his bags near the Titans East T-Ship. Robin looked as if he was about to walk away but he stopped and turned back to Roy.

"Why did you choose this life?" he asked quietly. His voice was different, it was steady but it had a true interest in it, Roy felt like this question meant something more to Robin then just satisfying idle curiosity.

Roy wasn't sure how to respond, part of him wanted to make a joke about being in it for the women and fame, part of him didn't want to answer, and the rest of him just didn't know how to explain, but then it just came out.

"I wanted to fly straight and true." He said quietly.

Robin cocked his head in confusion. Roy felt a familiar tug at the corner of his mouth as he thought of his adoptive father. Brave Bow had been a man of few words, but when he spoke, it always meant something.

"I wanted to have a greater purpose, to have no doubt,

'You have a greater purpose than you will ever understand. There is no doubt in the arrow, it follows your guidance, knows you will send it straight and true. The bow bends to your will; it trusts your strength to give it power but not to break it. Trust yourself and you will find strength, let go of the doubt and you will fly straight and true like your arrow.'

That's what Brave Bow said to me just before he died, it was right after Oliver had agreed to take me in. That's what I wanted to live up too." His thought was bittersweet, Brave Bow had been lost in the chaos of Roy's addiction for many years, he was happy to have his memories, to have found him again, but he still felt the shame of having ever lost him in the first place.

"I remember when Oliver first showed me his costume, when he explained to me that he was Green Arrow, all I could think about was Brave Bow, about those words. About having a greater purpose. I wasn't scared to become Speedy, I wasn't concerned, I had no doubt." His voice wavered from a fond memory to a sad realization. "Somewhere along the way I began to doubt, I didn't trust myself, I broke. I forgot. I forgot the words, the meaning. I forgot him."

"If that's why you fight, why you lead this life, how could you give it up? That's a life goal, its unending, something you have to keep proving again and again." Said Robin after a few quiet moments had passed. He seemed sure, almost angry as he said it.

"There isn't one right way Richard, I don't have to fight to have purpose. My doubt didn't come from my inability to fight or protect people. Even as I lied to myself, as I doubted and lost faith in me I could still shoot, still bring down the bad guys. When Oliver showed me I could be a hero I thought that's what I needed to do to find it, that that's what Brave Bow had meant when he said I had a greater purpose than I could understand.

The truth is I have to give it up in order to fly straight. How could I honestly trust myself, believe in myself, and have no doubt or fear if I gave up on finding my daughter or found her but put her in danger? What greater purpose could I have than to be a good father to her? But your right, it is a life goal, it's something I will have to prove every single day.

Protecting the people of Steel or Jump or any city is something I cherish, I will do it every day I can because it is the right thing to do and I will never turn my back on someone in need. But I won't stand here and lie to you, I will put my family before every single one of those people. That's how I know I can't have both, and I don't want both."

Robin watched Roy carefully. In the past few years Roy had changed, he had been through such a deep struggle, he had doubted himself on almost everything. Robin could remember having conversations with him where it was clear he had lost his confidence, he would still joke and play the role of the cocky playboy but under the surface his doubt always lingered. As he spoke now, as Robin listened to each word carefully, there was no doubt. It was the first time since Roy had been released from the treatment center that Robin truly believed every word he said. And with every word he hated him a little bit more. He turned from the red haired archer and began to walk away.

"Richard. I have a question for you now." Said Roy after him. Robin stopped but didn't turn.

"What is it." He said.

"Is it my weakness as an addict or my selfishness as a father that makes you hate me more." His voice was steady, but there was a sad bitterness in it. Roy felt as though he was losing a part of himself in Robin turning away from him.

"I don't hate you Roy," His voice was sad, "I just can't do what you can."

Roy stared at his old friend's back with confusion, he didn't understand. He was about to ask for clarification when Robin continued.

"If you really plan on leaving. You should say goodbye to her first."

Without another word Robin was gone.

**AN: So yes I know I have become a terrible terrible person with the updates, all I can say is that I am sorry. As I said before this story is wrapping up, this chapter actually turned out differently than I had originally intended but I feel like it went to a good place. I hope you guys will agree. Please R&R and thank you so much for your patience with my slow progress over the past few months.**

**-Grim**

**p.s. a quick shout out to those who have commented I really appreciate it, and a special shout out to Klu thank you for the comments not only on this story but on the previous two even though they were already complete I still love to get feedback. :)**


	17. Chapter 17

Roy stood in the same spot he had stood so many times before, staring at the outside of Raven's door.

"I've only been in there once." Came a quiet voice behind him. He turned and found Beast Boy leaning against the wall. "I meant to go sooner, but I saw her through the door when Cyborg went in, it was too much. But after she showed me everything," their eyes met only for a moment before each turned away, "I came to see her. To tell her I was sorry."

"I've lost count of how many times I have stood here, I've never made it in." whispered Roy.

"First time is the hardest." Said Beast Boy moving to stand with him.

"I thought you said you've only been in once."

"Yea, and it was hard." His voice held a blend of sarcasm and duh.

His palms shook and he felt weak, he reached out and touched the panel to open the door. The sweeping sound made his heart jump and his body tense. His pulse raced, he swallowed hard and glanced back at Beast Boy who tried to offer him an encouraging smile. Roy took a step forward into the dark room. His eyes seemed to go everywhere except the place he knew he would find her. He looked at her book shelves, her dark walls, the door that led to her private bath, his eyes began to trail to the window when he heard a sharp intake of breath, and he turned quickly to Beast Boy whose eyes had gone wide. Roy followed his stare and found himself looking at the bed, on the bed he saw a familiar shape, it was Raven, only it wasn't. He recognized the curve of her small but well-shaped body, probably a little too well. But she was coated in a black energy, it was tight against her body giving her form, but not life. It reminded him of the Egyptian sarcophagi he had seen at museums. It made his blood run cold and his guilt rush to the surface.

"She didn't look like this before." Whispered Beast Boy.

"What do you mean?" Roy asked turning back to him.

"She's changed.. the black stuff, the doom cocoon, it's different."

"Beast Boy what do you mean? How has it changed?" Roy asked quickly beginning to worry that something was wrong.

"It's evolving." Said a voice near the window, Robin stepped out of the shadows into the moonlight that poured into the room.

Roy looked at him with some confusion, he hadn't seen him or heard him, he had no idea that Robin had been in the room with them, but it was clear he had arrived before they did. Would he have sat in that corner listening to their conversation? Listened to the private words he would have shared with Raven? He felt himself growing angry, but his concern was stronger than his anger.

"What do you mean evolving, is she ok?" he asked.

"It's been happening for a few days now, the size of the cocoon had been slowly growing smaller and smaller, this afternoon it moved from hovering above the bed to where it is now. Just as you came in it changed again, it became defined. You can see her now, just below the surface of the dark energy."

"Why is it changing?" asked Roy looking back at her now.

Robin looked at the shape of the woman he loved, the one who owned his heart, the one he had desperately wanted to give everything to, the one he could never give enough.

"I think she's waking up." He said softly. He tried to keep his voice even, but Roy heard the hope, the cautious optimism, the love, the pain that all mixed in. Robin stepped closer to the bed.

"Are you sure?" Beast Boy asked hopeful.

"No." Robin replied quickly, Beast Boy visibly saddened. "But it seems like a logical conclusion, she has been nothing but a mass of black energy for months, but now, now we can see her." He stood at the edge of her bed now.

"I'm gonna get Cyborg, maybe he can get some readings or scan her or do some math or I don't know something that will tells us something." Beast Boy said excitedly before running out of the room.

Roy still stood away from the bed, his eyes still avoiding her form. He instead turned to focus on Robin.

"Do you think she can hear us?" he asked quietly.

"Maybe, it seems she can sense most us, or at least part of her can. As far as her remembering any of it, I guess we'll see when she wakes up." Robin replied quietly.

"But she will wake up?" Roy asked carefully.

Robin was quiet for a moment before answering.

"I'm given to believe she will, though until she does, I won't hold my breath."

Guilt swam through his entire body. Raven was only here because of him, even if she woke up and was fine, he had stolen seven months of her life, and taken her child's dream. Why was he here? Why had he come back? He should have just stayed away. He noticed that her body seemed further and further away, it wasn't until Robin spoke that Roy understood it was he who was stepping further away from her.

"Where are you going." It wasn't a question.

Roy stopped. Robin turned to look at him. The boy wonder looked tired, as if he hadn't slept in days. Roy couldn't see his eyes but he knew there normally bright blue would appear dull and lack luster now. The stress of this situation was taking its toll on his old friend.

"How long have you been in love with her?" Roy asked quietly.

Robin let out a sigh and turned back to the bed.

"I think I loved her already when she met Eric. I think that's why I got so angry at her and checked up on him. But I didn't realize how I felt until she went to you and I understood she might not come back."

"So she doesn't know?"

"No."

Silence again. Roy stared at the ground. He knew this wasn't the time or place, but no one had ever accused him of being too smart.

"What can I do that you can't?" he asked.

Robin stared at him hard. He seemed to be angry, but he also seemed tired, like this was an argument he had had too many times and it was exhausting. Roy found himself unable to look at his friend anymore. He tried looking back to the ground but he felt something pulling him, drawing his attention back to the form on the bed. His heart quickened, he didn't want to see her that way again, but he couldn't stop himself. His eyes followed the path from the floor up the side of the bed, over the comforter and finally hit the dark energy that encased her like a coffin. But his breath caught as he took in the sight of her.

"I can't stop-"Robin started but was interrupted by the gasp from Roy, he followed his eyes and found that Raven's form had changed again.

She was not only much more defined, the energy that surrounded her seemed to be becoming transparent. They could actually see her now, as if she was in a stained glass coffin of blacks and greys. Roy found himself moving forward, she looked as though she were sleeping peacefully. He looked at her and noticed her hair had grown longer, where she normally wore it at her chin it was now past her shoulders. Her arms lay at her sides, he noticed that one of her hands held something. He now stood at the side of her bed, he looked down at her hand, there was definitely something there, he turned his head slightly and could see the smallest bit of a very familiar petal.

He was suddenly within his own mind, at his everlasting sunset. He looked around in confusion, then he felt a small breeze, then he could smell the light fragrance of the cherry blossoms. Before him the petals of these sweet flowers began to float past him, he turned to the small orchard and noticed that the cherry blossoms were falling away quickly. Part of him panicked, and he wanted to run to them, to catch each petal and put them back, but then he noticed a shape in the middle of the flowers. He walked towards her, the cherry blossoms were almost gone now. They stood facing each other, he wanted to say something but found his words gone. She smiled. She stepped towards him and reached her small hand out to him, she touched his cheek.

He looked carefully at her and closed the distance between them pulling her into a hug. He held her tightly afraid she would disappear.

"Thank you." Her voice was a whisper.

He pulled back to ask her why she thanked him, but as he pulled away she turned into cherry blossoms in his arms and floated away. He wanted to panic, wanted to cry out for her, but a voice called out.

"She's awake!" Cried Robin.

Roy opened his eyes and found himself back in Raven's room, he looked down and met her eyes for a moment, her eyes moved away from him and looked at her hand, and she looked confused. His eyes moved down to the same place and found that he held her hand and between there palms was a dried cherry blossom. He smiled before the world went black.


	18. Chapter 18

As the titans noisily piled into the dark room Robin could not take his eyes off of the dark angel that sat before him. She looked to be in perfect health, no scratches or scars, her skin and eyes had a healthy color, one would think she just woke up from a nap instead of a seven month coma. Her hair was longer, but other than that there was no difference since before she had gone to Speedy. His heart beat unsteadily, a mixture of excitement to see her open eyes and fear that this was all a dream filled him. His palms felt cold, his stomach twisted in knots, he was frozen, unable to speak or move. He simply watched her.

"Karen, stop." Her voice came out soft.

Robin hadn't noticed that Bumble Bee was moving quickly towards him, her stingers drawn. He looked around the room and finally noticed Speedy laying on the floor unconscious. Bumble Bee had just entered the room and the last she had seen them was after they had fought, it was a logical conclusion that he was the cause of Speedy's current condition. She stopped moving at the sound of Raven's voice, she turned and looked at the sorceress and a look of surprise crossed her face, she hadn't even realized Raven was awake.

"I can feel your rage, your concern, and your fear. Richard has done nothing to Roy, and Roy will be perfectly fine. He is asleep." Raven said calmly.

Bumble Bee did not respond, but after a few silent moments she put her stingers away and turned her attention to her teammate.

"It is real. This is no dream. I am awake." Raven said turning to look at each of her teammates, answering their unspoken questions and concerns. Finally settling her eyes on Robin and smiling softly.

Without any real intention or planning he moved to the bed and sat down facing her. He reached a hand out and took her small hand in his own. It was warm. He remembered holding her hand in the infirmary, it had been colder every time, now the warmth returned to her and it brought tears to his eyes. He pulled her to him and embraced her lovingly.

"I thought I had lost you." He whispered into her hair.

"You almost did." She whispered back. Their hug was short but filled with emotion. She pulled away and motioned to Speedy still lying on the floor with his head in Bumble Bee's lap as she stroked his hair. "Take him to his room, he won't wake up for a few hours, I think a bed would be better than the floor."

"What happened to him?" Bumble Bee asked as she stood up and watched Aqualad carry Speedy out the door.

"He has expended all of his energy." Raven replied.

"What do you mean? How?" Bumble Bee asked turning a suspicious eye to Robin.

"It was not Richard, it was me."

Bumble Bee turned to her with confusion plainly written on her face.

"Roy may not have understood exactly what was happening, but he gave his energy to me. To wake me." Raven answered. "He will be alright Karen, I promise. It has caused him no harm, only tired his body, after he has slept a few hours he will wake just fine."

Bumble Bee held her gaze a minute longer still not convinced, but she nodded and walked away saying she needed to let Dinah know Speedy would not be coming to visit.

Raven sat on her bed and looked around to the remaining titans in the room, her team, her family. Starfire stood looking at her with large eyes filled with joy, Beast Boy had a cautious smile and she felt the worry coming from him, she reached out a hand to him, he took it.

"I'm sorry that you suffered, that all of you suffered. I wish there had been a way to tell you what was happening, to make you understand why I had to do what I did."

"You did it because you're Raven, and that's what you do. You save people. Just like you've saved us all in some way or another." Beast Boy said giving her his half smile. She could see his pain, but it wasn't a festering wound anymore it was a healing scar. In time all would be well again. She returned his smile.

"This is a joyous day! Friend Raven has returned to us again! We shall have the feast of friendship this night!" Cried Starfire as she moved forward and grabbed both Beast Boy and Raven into a tight hug. Then she turned and set off for the kitchen.

"Uh, I'm gonna go stop her before she cooks us mold or moving goo." Beast Boy chuckled as he turned and ran after her.

Cyborg stepped up and bent down to kiss Raven softly on the head.

"Good to see you again little sister." He smiled and turned around. "We both know neither of those fools can cook, and it would really be a shame for you to get food poisoning the first night after you wake up. Cyborg to the rescue."

Raven turned to Robin who still sat on her bed looking at her.

"I can sure clear a room." She said with a light chuckle.

"We've been waiting a long time for this day. I think everyone is probably a little bit nervous, or afraid it's a dream." Robin replied quietly.

"Oh I know. Empath, remember?" she smiled.

He took her hand again.

"I know that you did what was right, I know you saved his life, but please, please don't ever do that again." His voice shook slightly.

She reached a hand up to his cheek and smiled softly at him.

"I won't make a promise I can't keep, because I know if you could have felt what I felt, heard his cry. You would have done the same."

He moved a little closer to her.

"I know. I just can't stand the thought of losing you. You are important to me, to all of us Raven, we were lost without you."

"No Richard, you were sad. You were all sad, but in time you would have made it through. Roy was lost, he needed me." Her voice was sad and he wondered if she was remembering what she had seen in Roy's mind, or if perhaps she was looking into his mind now through their new bond. He turned away.

"You needed him didn't you? To wake up. If Roy had never come in here, never reached out and held your hand. You would still be sleeping." Robin said quietly. Before she could respond he continued. "Is it because your bond is newer? Because he doesn't have any barriers yet? If I had taken my barriers down and tried to break down yours, could I have woken you up?" the last came out with more emotion than he had intended.

Raven looked at him carefully. She felt such turmoil in him, so many emotions she couldn't sort through them they just rolled off of him in waves. She reached her hand to his cheek again and made him look at her.

"Yes, I needed Roy to wake me. But he and I don't have a bond." She said calmly.

"What?" he asked with genuine surprise. "But I saw, I saw you in his mind, I saw the wall between you."

She smiled and set her hand down back in her lap.

"I remember. I saw you too. But it wasn't the barrier between our minds that you saw. He held a part of me, this part of me, my true consciousness. I wasn't fully aware of what was happening only that I was safe and secure, in a way I slept in his mind while my body was repaired."

"I don't understand, you told me once that the mind can't keep what doesn't belong there." He replied.

"I don't think he understood what he had done. When I went to him I knew I would die. I was giving him my energy, my life essence to keep him alive. When the time actually came and I was dying he finally understood the truth. But before I could die he took a small part of me, kept it inside of him.

Yes I told you before that what doesn't belong can't stay, and that's true. He used the remainder of my daughters dream to convince his mind that I belonged there, he built a small corner that was nothing but that cottage and a forest of cherry blossoms and that's where I stayed." There was emotion in her voice, a soft happiness, like a bittersweet memory.

Robin looked at her and tried to absorb her words.

"But wouldn't his mind eventually figure it out? I mean it was still his mind and you were still you." He asked.

"It would have. Except he used his own life essence to capture that part of me. If he hadn't already been in the care of the titans he would have died, but his body would have lived. He would have been in a coma until my body was ready and could call out to the rest of me.

Since he survived he was able to remain in control of his body, and because he had built his own memory within the cherry blossoms he was able to keep the forest, since I was inside of the forest I was protected. When my body became strong enough he felt the call, though his guilt kept him back."

"So now, there is no link between you two?" Robin asked trying to keep all emotion out of his voice.

"Richard, the bond you and I share is unique, it was built from our trust, our understanding of each other. You called out to me the same way Roy did, in a moment of great need. But you are my best friend, my first friend, my leader. There is no one in the universe, or any other universe I trust more than you. Our bond could never be duplicated."

Richard smiled at her and she smiled back, not her small grin. But a real smile that made her eyes shine. He loved that smile, he was the only one who got to see that smile. As he looked at her and absorbed all she had told him, as he thought about how much she meant to him, he realized that this was the moment he could have her. This was the time he could tell her how he felt. The memory of what the White Raven had shown him flashed through his mind. He had already figured out that Raven had not shared those experiences, the White Raven had come from her soul self that healed within her physical body, while Raven's consciousness had been asleep in Roy's mind.

She didn't know about their possible future, which meant he had a chance to change it. He could give her his love, they could share a life. He knew what to expect, he knew how to fix the problem, all he had to do was change what he had seen. Maybe the glimpse into the future hadn't been a bad thing, maybe it had been to show him what he needed to see, what he needed to know to be happy. He could do it for her, he could give her the life she wanted, and he could have her.

"Raven, there's something I have wanted to tell you for a long time." He reached a hand out to her cheek, she looked at him with curiosity and a hint of confusion. He smiled.

**AN: So out of curiosity, and I meant to ask this in the previous chapter, how many of you thought Speedy would have to kiss her to wake her?**


	19. Chapter 19

**AN: Just a quick note, for some reason its not letting me keep the spacing I want between certain paragraphs, so, the horizontal line that shows up means the end of the scene you just read.. sorry.**

**-Grim**

His eyes blurred as he strained to open them, the haze of sleep still clung to him. He was exhausted, he felt as though he had been asleep for days. Had he been in a large battle? Had he been injured? His mind was only half awake and that half wasn't his best.

He pulled himself to a sitting position, he drew his knees up and rested his arm across them. He leaned forward and placed his head against his arm trying to recall the night before. He was so tired, his body felt weak and his stomach was turning as though he might be sick.

Panic struck him. This feeling was familiar, a feeling he had had every morning for months. The feeling he always had after a long night of partying. Had he done it? Had he destroyed all his progress, had he gone back to that pathetic creature he was before? He couldn't remember what had happened. Tears stung his eyes. His hand gripped the bed in painful frustration.

"Roy?"

The voice was concerned, relieved, it was heart breaking to him. Of all the people who could have seen like this, of all the people he had to face after he had made such a mistake. She was the most painful. He had let her down again.

"I'm sorry Karen." He whispered painfully.

"Sorry?" she asked as she sat on the bed next to him. "Sorry for what?" she reached a hand out to him. He began to sob at her touch. She pulled him into a hug and rubbed his back affectionately. "Roy, Roy, what's wrong? Please just talk to me." Her voice held an edge of fear.

He couldn't speak, his shame, his guilt, it overwhelmed him. All he could do was sob into her shoulder as she held him close like a mother would hold her child.

"Please tell me what's happening, are you in pain? What's wrong? She said you'd be fine." The fear was becoming more evident.

Roy tried to calm himself, tried to find his voice.

"She?" he asked still hugging her.

Karen pulled back slowly, her hands on his arms prepared to take him back into her protective hug should he need it. She looked at him carefully.

"Raven. She said you'd be out a few hours but you'd be fine." She said cautiously.

His eyes widened. Raven was awake?

"Raven.. so.. this isn't.. I'm not.." he swallowed hard trying to say the words. "I'm not.. hung over?"

Karen's eye widened and a look of understand went over her, she pulled him close again and hugged him tight.

"Oh Roy no. God no. I'm so sorry, I didn't realize you thought.. No. No! You have done nothing wrong. You hear me? Nothing." She pulled away and looked him in the eye. She smiled at him.

He tried to smile back but he was still weak, and now he was even more exhausted. But he had questions. He moved to lean back against the head board.

"Raven's awake?" he asked

Karen smiled even more.

"Yea, she's awake. Thanks to you."

He furrowed his brows and looked at her not understanding.

"I don't know all the weird inner soul transfer stuff. But I know that somehow when she was in your mind you saved a piece of her from dying, and kept it safe. Then when you went into her room earlier you… gave it back, I guess. That's what woke her up."

A string of memories flooded his mind, he remembered going to her room so many times, so afraid, finally entering and seeing her as a statue on her bed. He moved forward, saw something in her hand. Then he was in his garden. The cherry blossoms were disappearing. His mind went further back. He saw her dying in his arms, he kissed her, and he remembered something he hadn't known at that time. The kiss had been more than a kiss, he had kept a part of her. He remembered creating his own retreat, his everlasting sunset, his fountain, his garden. Then there was the cherry blossom forest, he had thought it was just a sliver of a lost a memory, but now he understood. It was the place inside himself where he had kept her safe. He had felt panic and sadness as they had disappeared, now she was awake and the cherry blossoms were gone, but he didn't need them anymore. Raven was back. He smiled.

* * *

"There are times in all of our lives where we realize something, when something happens that we never expected to happen, that we could never have known would happen. And when that happens we have to make a choice. We have to decide what it is we truly want." Robin began nervously. There was a tightness through his chest and stomach.

Raven looked at him carefully, then a look passed over her and her features softened. Her brows furrowed slightly just for a moment and he saw the briefest glimpse of sadness, but quickly she gave him a sweet smile.

"I understand. Each of us has a defining moment in our lives, some of us have several. We all must make sacrifices Richard, sometimes it takes the worst sacrifice for us to truly get what we want." Her voice was calm and compassionate.

He looked up at her, he knew she was reading his emotions, knew she probably already understood what he was trying to say. But did she understand what he was intending to do? Did she understand that he wanted to be with her, that he **would** give up crime fighting for her? He reached up and removed his mask, he wanted to talk to her as Richard, not as Robin.

"Raven I-" he began.

"Do you know what kind of sacrifice is even worse than the worst one we can imagine?" She asked meeting his eyes. "The one that makes us lie to ourselves that eventually turns into one we regret."

A flash of cold went over his body, she knew. His heart ached.

"Nothing is written in stone." His voice shook.

"No, but some things are carved into our hearts and souls. They are a part of us, a part we can't live without."

She looked at him, he looked away. They sat quietly for a few moments. She reached out to him and gently turn his chin so he faced her again. He knew that his eyes showed the pain he felt. He reached for his mask, she grabbed his hand and gently stroked his wrist with her thumb.

"There was a time when I thought this life was enough for me that I could spend the rest of my years fighting the bad guys and it would be enough."

"But not anymore?" his voice was sad, he already knew the answer.

"This life has meant everything to me, the friends I have made, and the people we have saved. There was even someone I thought made it better, who I could be me with."

His heart caught at the look that she gave him, the look that told him she had loved him once.

"When?" his mouth was dry, it came out almost a whisper.

"Before Eric." She replied softly.

He looked down. He remembered the night Eric died. He shouldn't have left him behind, he should have forced him out of the ship. Slade had gone into hiding, they hadn't seen or heard from him since that night, but someday, he would pay for what he had done.

"Carved into our hearts and souls." She said quietly.

He looked up at her and saw that he had confirmed something for her. Her eyes had been guarded she had been questioning something, and now she was sure.

"You are a wonderful man Richard, a great and heroic man. But you have the soul of an Archangel. You will punish the wicked and right the wrongs of man until the end of time."

"And you wouldn't?" he asked defiantly.

"I would have. But I have seen a life beyond the fighting, a life that I wish to have. The life Eric and I were supposed to have. After he died I tried not to want it anymore, I locked down my emotions again and tried to forget. But after what I saw in Roy's mind, seeing my daughter's dream again. I can't give it up."

They were silent again, he knew she was right, just as White Raven had been right. He had accepted it, begrudgingly yes, but he had still accepted it. Until he had seen her open her eyes. He loved her, it broke his heart but he loved her more than he thought was possible for him. He couldn't give her the life she needed, he couldn't be the man she deserved. But as he looked at her now, as he saw the woman he would never have and always want, he knew that it might break his heart but it wouldn't hurt her if he was just a little selfish.

"I can't change who I am, I will never be able to lead a life just being Richard." His said softly. "But for this moment I can."

He reached up and laced his fingers into her hair pushing her forward gently, he leaned in and closed the space between them bringing his mouth to close on hers.

* * *

Roy stood outside Raven's door nervous and scared. He wasn't sure exactly what to say, how to thank her and apologize at the same time. He almost turned away but his hand found the door instead. He didn't move. His entire body froze and his heart stilled. In one heart crushing moment he knew without a shadow of a doubt that he did indeed love her, and it didn't matter. He stood still for what seemed an eternity just watching the scene before him, unable to move, unable to speak. Finally he was able to turn, able to walk and then run away. But never able to remove the image of her in Richard's arm, of their lips locked in a passionate kiss.


	20. Chapter 20

Roy had left the tower immediately after he had seen them together. He had been planning on leaving before Raven woke up so his ride was already prepped and fueled even his bags were aboard, all he had to do was get in and leave. When he left he had planned to head back to his own tower, just to be alone and away. But he decided pretty quickly alone was not where he needed to be at the moment. Bumble Bee had called almost immediately after he left, Titans East had decided to leave to give West time alone with Raven. He hadn't wanted to explain so he simply told her he still wanted to visit Dinah. She was suspicious of his timing but she let it go.

It only took a couple of hours to reach Dinah's and for the second time that day Roy was met with an unwelcome surprise, since Bumble Bee had called Dinah to let her know Roy wasn't coming Oliver's mission had suddenly fallen through. It was the first time the two men had been face to face since the night Green Arrow had almost killed him. Roy had offered to simply head home, he had after all cancelled his plans with her. Dinah would not have it, she was surprised but happy to see him. He knew this would be another argument between them, as they stepped into the other room and he heard the muffled anger he left. When he was a good distance from the house he sent Dinah a message letting her know he would return in a few hours, he wanted to give them some privacy.

He walked for a long time, the cold air of the night felt good against his skin. He looked at every sign he passed, every building, every street name. He read the words in his mind and tried to think about how each was chosen, how long they had been here, anything and everything he could think of so he wouldn't have to think about the knot in his stomach or the tightness in his chest that threatened to stop his breaths. But it couldn't last forever.

He saw them again, they sat on her bed, so close together. Richard reached a hand up into her hair and pulled her forward. He kissed her, at first Raven just sat there taken by surprise but then she reached her arm around his neck and returned his kiss. The remaining distance between them was closed in an embrace and their kiss became passionate. The pain washed over him. The embarrassment, the sadness, the anger, the defeat. He wondered if he had only arrived a few minutes earlier, could he have stopped it, could he have told her how he felt. No. It was obvious Raven felt the same way about Richard that he felt about her. Roy never stood a chance.

He looked around again, this was not a good neighborhood. He had gotten pretty far from Dinah's house. Looking around the area is was familiar, he had never been here, but to far too many places like it. His pace slowed. He could see in the alley ahead of him the outline of a man in the shadows, a man Roy knew would be selling all kinds of things that could help him forget. His palms were sweating. He swallowed hard as he moved closer to the alley. The man noticed him, he turned towards him with interest. He moved enough into the moonlight that Roy could see the Cheshire cat smile that spread across his face. The image sent a chill down his spine. Roy stopped at the edge of the alley, just before the shadows could consume him.

"What can I get for you boy?" the man asked, his voice was heavy and seemed to wrap around Roy, making him feel like he would be dragged into the darkness just by listening to him speak.

"Maybe a little pick me up?" the man offered, Roy tried to wipe the sweat from his palms, tried to still his racing heart.

"Maybe you just want to forget?" the man said quietly. Roy felt the voice wrap tightly around him, his body stiffened, he forgot how to breathe, the Cheshire cat smile returned.

"Oh yes boy, I have many things to help you forget."

Roy swallowed hard but his mouth felt dry, his chest was tight and he couldn't breathe. He felt the world spinning around him, was he falling?

"Go." The voice was almost a whisper.

"What?" replied the man, clearly surprised.

"Go. Get out of here. Your business isn't welcome." Roy was surprised to hear his own voice, it was shaky and still quiet, but it was his.

The man gave him a scowl and moved closer.

"Who the hell do you think you are boy!" he shouted angrily.

Roy moved to a defensive stance, he was prepared for whatever would come next.

"I won't tell you again." Roy's voice was strong this time.

The man took a step forward but suddenly stopped as a familiar arrow landed between them. Roy did not move, he held his position, but his heart raced and a small panic set in as his mind flashed to images of him running through the crooked forest of his mind. The man himself dropped down beside Roy.

"Listen to the boy." He said with a growl.

The dealer turned and ran back into the shadows. Roy moved but didn't relax, he just switched into a more subtle defensive position.

"You shouldn't be out here without your bow, they don't know you here, this isn't your city anymore." Green Arrow said flatly.

"It never was." Roy replied quietly. A look of surprise appeared on Green Arrow's face but quickly disappeared.

"The dealers here aren't like most, they don't use their product, and they know how to protect themselves. He wasn't going to back down just because you asked him too. He would have fought you without hesitation, without your bow you're-"

"Just as dangerous." Interrupted Roy angrily. "You don't know me, you haven't known me for a very long time. I'm not the same kid you left in that alley."

"Really?" he laughed without humor. His voice was bitter "Looks like you still hang out in the same places, and from what I hear you haven't changed at all. Overdosing and bringing your friends down with you? Sounds like the same pathet-"

Roy cut his words with a hard right cross to the jaw. Green Arrow stood still for a minute he turned back to face Roy. He spat blood on the ground and tried to return the hit, Roy was ready, and he blocked the punch by knocking his hand away quickly, then connected his own fist to Green Arrow's jaw again. He recovered quickly and landed a hit of his own. Roy felt the blow to his stomach and moved before he could land another. He tackled Green Arrow against the wall and punched him hard in the stomach. Green Arrow kicked him away and Roy landed on the ground. They continued like this going back and forth trading blows for a while.

Roy found himself remembering a time when he could never match Green Arrow, he couldn't even block a hit from him. Eventually Green Arrow had given up teaching him anything other than blocking. He just kept telling him to keep his bow handy. Dinah had taught him a lot, Richard had taught him more. He wasn't the weak boy he had beat down all those years ago, he wasn't the scared broken version of himself that had been in his mind. The fire in him raged as he thought back on all the horrible things he had said to him, all the arguments he had with Dinah over him, all the time he had been scared of his former mentor. Green Arrow was just another person who Roy had to prove himself too, prove he wasn't weak anymore.

Green Arrow charged him, Roy braced himself and they locked together in a violent embrace, he punched him twice in the side. Green Arrow pulled away painfully. Before he got upright Roy brought his knee to Green Arrow's chin sending him backwards. Roy stepped towards him as Green Arrow weakly tried to stand, he made it to his knees. Roy put force behind another hit to the gut, Green Arrow hunched down over him, in a quick motion Roy turned his body out away from Green Arrow and all the way back around to him bringing his palm flat against Green Arrow's back, the force of the motion brought him hard to the ground. Roy stood panting over his motionless former mentor. Green Arrow did not get up this time, he laid there breathing heavily. He pushed himself over onto his back. He lay staring up at the sky breathing painfully. Even in the dark Roy could see he had broken Green Arrow's nose.

They looked at each other in silence only the sound of their strained breathing. There were times that Roy missed Oliver, times he wished for their old friendship, before he had become his sidekick. That had been a long time ago, a time they could never go back to. Roy turned to walk away.

"Definitely not the same boy I knew." Green Arrow said with a heavy strain.

Roy heard, he smiled but did not stop. It would have changed nothing, they both knew they couldn't go back. At most this meant their war had ended, they would never be friends, but they didn't have to be enemies anymore.

* * *

Roy spent three days with Dinah, when she had seen him after his encounter with Green Arrow she was concerned but he made It clear he was fine and there was no reason to be angry. Green Arrow had done his part to reassure her by actually coming by once to pick something up, they didn't speak or acknowledge each other, but somehow it was enough.

When Roy left Dinah's house and made his way back to his ship he was shocked to find Oliver waiting for him. It was Oliver, no costume, no hood, no bow. Just Oliver. Seeing him this way reminded Roy that at one time he had considered this man a father. He set down his duffel bag when he stood two feet from him.

"Dinah means everything to me." Oliver said so quickly and matter of fact that Roy could only nod.

"I am a stronger fighter, a more determined hero, and a better man because of her."

The words made Roy think he was about to be threatened into staying away from her, but Oliver's tone held no threat only statement of fact.

"It's enough for me to know she's out there. When I'm losing, feeling weak, nervous. I just have to think about her, think of her smile and know she's waiting for me and I can keep going."

True confusion led Roy to finally finding his voice again.

"I don't understand why you're telling me this Oliver."

"We all have hard times. We all get lost. Each of us has to find our own way to survive. Something to help us focus and hold on to when it gets rough. Dinah is my focus." He paused and moved to walk away. "It's within you to be a great man Roy, it always has been, you just need a reason and way to remember that reason."

Oliver pulled out his keys and played with a keychain. He set it in his palm and Roy saw it was a canary. Oliver smiled and walked away. Roy picked up his duffel bag and dropped it in the seat. He looked back where Oliver had stood. He turned back and as he did the motion drew his eyes to his arms. The scars were faint, you had to know what you were looking at to really see them, but they were there. They were always there, they would always be there. He looked away. He stood quietly trying to calm the loud thoughts in his mind, trying to breathe, to remember the differences between the man he had become and the one he used to be. Oliver was right, he needed a focus, he turned away from his ship and headed back to the city.

* * *

"What happened to you?!" shouted Aqualad as Roy entered the room, indicating the bruises from his tumble with Green Arrow.

"Te peliaste?" Mas asked excitedly.

"Guys." Roy started.

"Con quien?" Menos joined.

"Guys."

"Ganaste?" They said together.

"GUYS!" shouted Roy with a laugh throwing his hand ups in the air. "It was nothing, I promise."

"What happened to your arm?" Aqualad asked with a hint of worry. He moved forward and reached for the bandaged arm. Roy smiled.

"Totally unrelated to this." Roy said pointing to the bruises on his face. "I got a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" asked Bumble Bee entering from the security center. "Please tell me it's not a naked lady."

Roy laughed and removed the bandage from his forearm, it was still a little red and raised but the image was clear. A small black bird, specifically a canary. It sat perched on an arrow. Below the arrow was a line of text in small thick black letters it read:

**FLY STRAIGHT AND TRUE **

"It's to help remind me that I can be a better man."

"Very nice, Brave Bow and Dinah." Bumble Bee smiled.

"What's that? At the end." Asked Aqualad pointing to a small object at the end of the words. Roy smiled and looked up at his leader.

"It's a bumble bee."

* * *

After a few minutes of teasing and a heartfelt hug of appreciation from Bumble Bee the team had finally left him to go unpack his things. Roy walked into his room and dropped his duffel bag onto his bed. He sat down beside it and let out a sigh.

He looked down at the image on his forearm, he would see it every time he drew his bow, every time he lined up a shot he would see the people who gave him strength and kept him focused on being the person they saw in him. He ran a finger over the arrow, he hadn't told Bumble Bee that it wasn't just Brave Bow, it was Oliver as well. The past may not be repeatable, but it had existed, and it wasn't all bad.

These people mattered to him, their opinions molded him, they made him a strong and compassionate man. They were his family.

Roy looked over at the full length mirror that stood across the room. He stood up and slowly walked over to it. He stood before and took off his shirt. There above his heart was another bandage. He reached up, letting his hand rest on the bandage. He felt his heart quicken and his stomach knot.

His fingers wrapped around the edge of the bandage.

His daughter had been made between light and dark, two people who never should have been together, who never could have made each other happy, but somehow had created something so wonderful.

He pulled back on the bandage, it slowly released his skin.

He had made mistake after mistake, destroyed the people he loved, and tried to kill himself. But he had come through, he had faced the darkness and come out of it a better man.

The bandage fell away.

"How could anyone ever see darkness in you." He whispered to himself as a memory passed into his mind, the memory of the kindest woman with the darkest history.

The skin was puffy and red but the tattoo stood out perfectly. It was one of the gnarled and twisted trees from his mind, but it was covered in cherry blossoms. There were streaks of reds and oranges and hints of pink behind the tree, a sunset that made it glow. He touched the tree softly as he looked into the mirror.

"We might never be together again," He thought to himself as he remembered them all together in that beautiful dream. "but this will always be our home, the place where you both made me understand what it was to have something worth fighting for."

Roy let himself be washed in the sadness of loss, let himself miss his daughter and regret not having the chance to find out if Raven could ever return his feelings. He let the tears fall and the anger rush through him like an angry tide. And after the tide had gone back out he let the sadness fall away into his memory, he let the tears dry and he looked at himself in the mirror. He had accepted his life for what it was, accepted that here would be struggle after struggle. His heart would ache until he found his daughter but he would never give up. He had accepted that his love for Raven would be his own burden, he would never tell her, and he would never show her. He would always have their dream, their time together was real enough to get him through anything.

He smiled, kissed his fingertip and touched it to the tree. He put his shirt back on and moved on.


	21. Chapter 21

It had been almost two weeks and Robin still found himself wondering if it was a dream. He watched Raven carefully afraid at any moment she would disappear. She caught his stare, they smiled at each other momentarily and then she turned away. It wasn't a dream. She was here, awake, and they would never be more than they had always been.

He had not heard from Speedy since the day she woke up. Robin had wanted to be angry at him for leaving, for not facing Raven after everything she had done for him. But if he was honest with himself, he had been relieved when he heard that he was gone. Glad that he wouldn't have to watch as Speedy and Raven grew closer, that he wouldn't have to hear words from her lips that should have been for his ears.

Her lips.

Not a day went by when he didn't think of that kiss, when he didn't remember the feel of her against him, the sweet taste of her mouth, her hands in his hair, and the softness of her lips. The thrill that had shot through him as she not only accepted his kiss but returned it with a passion. He understood that he couldn't have her, even accepted it on some level, and he would never just forget her. But today, he expected, he would have to let her go. Today Titans East was returning. They had left the day she woke up, each giving her a hug and holding back their emotion, they had understood that West would need time alone as a family. But they missed her too, and today they came to welcome her home. Today Speedy would come back, and he and Raven... Robin felt sick.

As the other team arrived everyone was abuzz with excitement, there was shouting and hugs, laughter and all around joy. The brothers took turns standing on each other's shoulders to hug Raven and kiss her on each cheek. She not only let them but hugged them back and gave them each a kiss. Aqualad held her tightly and had a hard time letting go, his eyes watered and Raven motioned Starfire to them. Raven touched his cheek gently and smiled before turning him into the arms of his loving girlfriend. Bumble Bee came to her next.

"Karen." Raven said with a soft smile.

"It's good to see you up and around Raven." Replied Bumble Bee struggling to maintain a calm and controlled demeanor.

Raven smiled and let out a small laugh as she stepped forward and pulled Bumble Bee into a hug.

"No one ever blamed you, Karen, stop blaming yourself." Raven whispered.

Bumble Bee let out a surprised gasp, she moved to pull away but stopped and tried to hold back the wave of relief she felt. She hugged Raven warmly.

"Where's Speedy?" asked Beast Boy looking out the door they had all come through.

Bumble Bee straightened and pulled away from Raven.

"We've had a lot of activity in Steel the past few days, we didn't think it was in the best interest of the city to leave it unguarded. Speedy stayed behind to make sure there was no trouble." She said looking around at all the faces but never making eye contact with anyone.

"But." Beast Boy began, glancing at Raven. "How could he not come?"

Bumble Bee looked uneasy, Raven reached a hand out to her and smiled.

"Beast Boy we all have a duty to protect our city, I wouldn't expect him, or any of us, to ignore that for a party. We will see him again when the time is right."

"But-" Beast Boy began, but his words were cut off as a geyser of orange soda hit his face.

"It's a party people! Let's do this!" Shouted Cyborg holding the now almost empty can. He gave Raven and Bumble Bee a wink before turning the music up to a blaring level.

Snacks were put out, gaming challenges were issued, and dancing, laughing, and all manner of fun began. So much fun that none of them even noticed the sound of the engine or saw the jet leaving the tower.

Speedy lay on the couch, the TV was on but he wasn't watching. He had his arm across his face shadowing the world from view.

_"They're probably having pizza and torturing Beast Boy by now. I wonder if she's smiling."_ He thought to himself sadly.

He had planned on going, planned to show her he was fine, thank her for all that she did for him and really begin the process of moving on with his life. But at the last minute he couldn't bring himself to go. He knew he had no reason to hope for a chance with her, he had truly accepted that. He just wasn't ready to let her go, and seeing her with Robin tonight would force him to do just that.

"Clearly the city is in chaos, what would they do without you." Came a voice from the hall. Speedy flew off the couch spilling the bowl of popcorn that had been sitting on his stomach. He knocked his elbow on the coffee table on his way down to the ground. He sat up quickly and saw the intruder.

"Richard?" he asked. "What the hell? What are you doing here? Also, OWW!" the pain from his elbow suddenly hitting him.

"What am I doing here? What are you doing here?" Replied Robin.

"I live here." Speedy said with more sarcasm than was necessary.

"Why aren't you at the party? Raven's party."

_"So he came all the way out here because I insulted his girlfriend by not coming to her party. Who would have thought he was such a caveman." _ He thought to himself. He looked away from his friend, the memory trying to crawl its way back into the forefront of his mind, he swallowed it down and bent to clean up the spilled popcorn.

"Bee and I decided that it was reckless to leave the city unprotected."

"The police can protect the city for a day or two." Robin replied suddenly becoming aware of a similar conversation from the future the White Raven had shown him.

"They don't know how to handle Meta humans. Hell sometimes they don't know how to handle the regular humans. It's better if at least one of us is here to make sure they don't hurt themselves."

"If it was a true emergency they could still call out to you in Jump and Raven could have you back within minutes."

Speedy clenched his teeth.

"It was a Titans East decision, not your tower, not your business."

Speedy gathered the last of the popcorn into the bowl and walked across the room to the small kitchen dumping it into the garbage.

"Go home Richard, I've got a patrol to go on." He turned to leave.

"You selfish son of a bitch. After everything she did for you, you can't even be bothered to thank her? To welcome her back?"

"I don't have to go to a party to thank her." He growled

"No, but you do have to talk to her." Robin replied with irritation.

"She told you I haven't called?" Speedy asked surprised.

"Of course she did." Robin answered bitterly. Thinking silently _"Why wouldn't she, I'm just her friend, you're the one she wants to see."_

_"Of course she did, why wouldn't she tell him? He's her boyfriend." _Speedy thought to himself sadly.

Speedy sighed.

"I don't know what to say to her." He finally said. "How do you thank someone for something like that? How do you tell them.."

_"How much you love them."_ He thought

"How do you tell them what they have done for you?" he said.

"You just tell her." Robin answered. _"Like I had too."_

"It's not that easy." Speedy replied with frustration. _"It takes all I have to stay away, there isn't enough of me to see her with you."_

"I know." Robin said letting out a deep sigh.

"I'll talk to her. I just need a little time to sort out my thoughts." Speedy said quietly. Robin nodded.

They sat quietly for a few minutes. Speedy looked carefully at Robin, he almost seemed sad, but that was impossible. He had Raven.

"Richard, you said something before Raven woke up." Speedy began.

"I said a lot of things that don't need to be remembered." Robin answered turning away.

"Please, just answer me. What did you mean, what can't you do that I can?"

"It doesn't matter." Robin answered quickly.

"If it doesn't matter then just tell me."

Again the room was silent. Speedy was sure Robin would just leave and he would never understand why Robin had been so angry.

"I can't stop. The fighting, the mask, the whole life. I can't give it up." Robin began sadly. "I can't have a normal life, I can't just be Richard Grayson, I can't have a family. I am the one who might not come home at night so that someone else can. You are Roy. In your heart, in your soul you are Roy Harper, Speedy is who you have to be to keep Roy safe for the people he loves. The person I am, that I have always been, begins and ends with this mask. I am Robin, Richard Grayson stopped being me a long time ago."

"Did you want to be Richard?" Speedy asked trying to understand.

"I wanted to be able to try, for her." His voice was sad, then remembering himself he added with a bitter smile. "But it doesn't matter, she didn't want that. She made her choice."

"Yea, she did." Replied Speedy anger burned in him as he saw the triumphant smile on Robin's face. _"So he thought she would want a life with me, a family, to eventually be out of the fighting. He hated me because he thought I was what she wanted. But he was wrong, she chose him over any of that. Well I asked, idiot."_

Again there was nothing to say.

"I should get to my patrol." Speedy said picking up his bow.

"Yea I should head back." Robin replied, adding as Speedy turned to walk away. "All I want is for her to be happy."

Speedy looked back at Robin and for the first time in their conversation he felt no anger or sadness.

"That's something we can always agree on."

Both men left the tower feeling defeated.


	22. Chapter 22

**A/N: just a quick note here, I just wrote this and am really really tired so I have not at all even slightly proofread. I know I could just wait and proof it in the morning and then post when I am sure there aren't any glaring mistakes but... I just really want to give you guys this piece. I will read it tomorrow and if there are huge mistakes obviously I will take it down and fix it. but the hope is I didn't do that and tomorrow I can just continue the writing part and post again. No promises though. Please enjoy R&R appreciated!**

**-Grim**

In the three months since Raven had woken up a lot had changed. Some things were better, some worse, and some were simply what they had to be. One such occurrence was the unfortunate timing of a call back home for two different members if the titan families. Both Starfire and Aqualad had received summons for their respective kingdoms calling for a temporary rule. It was hard for them to leave not only their surrogate families but each other.

It seemed like almost every villain they had ever fought had heard word of the missing team members. The remaining titans had been working overtime to keep their cities safe. They had very little time to themselves and no time to visit each other.

Roy had managed to visit Titans West one time before Aqualad and Starfire had left, he had spoken to Raven only briefly, he still hadn't been able to come up with the right words. He managed to thank her before she silenced him and told him she required no thanks. That had been the end of their conversation that day, but ever since they had taken to calling at least once or twice a week to catch up on each other's teams and life. Their friendship had grown in ways he had never expected. He was happy, but careful. His heart was still recovering, he felt grateful that she chose to keep her relationship with Robin to herself.

The change he had seen in her amazed him, he could remember a time when she would hide away and never speak a word to anyone, now she laughed, she smiled, she made jokes. She even played a video game with Beast Boy now and then. In a painful way he was glad that she and Robin had made it work, it hurt, but all that really mattered to him was her happiness.

He had made changes of his own, he had begun to spend his free time volunteering with an outreach program in Steel. It was design to help at risk kids and teenagers avoid joining gangs, doing drugs, or getting involved in crime. He volunteered as himself, Roy Harper, but on occasion Speedy and Bumble Bee made appearances. He enjoyed it, and it helped him with his own struggles. He finally felt like he was in a good place.

"It's hard not to help them." He said thinking of the kids he had just left.

"Then why did you tell them you couldn't shoot?" she asked with a hint of a smile.

"Because Roy Harper can't shoot. He watches and pokes fun at them. Besides, I can't hold back when I have a bow in my hand."

"Well you knew it would be a challenge when you arranged an ARCHERY tournament."

"First off, it was Bee's idea, second, archery is the perfect sport for them, it requires focus and determination to master. And third, it's worth it." He smiled. "Seriously Rae, you should see how excited they all are. They're all trying so hard to win."

"Of course they are, a tour of the Titan's East Tower and a day with Titan's East? Who wouldn't want to win? I'm tempted to enter myself." She laughed. A warmth spread over him at the sound. He tried to push it away. "What's the matter Roy?"

He looked away for a moment and then turned back to the screen with his best smile.

"Sorry my mind is wandering again. I just realized I have been spending so much time organizing this tournament I've been slacking off. Haven't had a proper work out in days. I'm gonna go get some work in before Bee and the twins get back and try to rope me into something else. I'll talk to you later."

Roy closed the communicator before she could respond. He hated cutting off their conversation like that but he didn't want to lie to her. Their conversations had become so relaxed and casual lately, they had grown so close and yet he felt he had to place a distance between them. He sighed heavily and through his communicator onto his bed. Then he got dressed to work out his frustrations.

He had started his warm ups with a short run and some weights. Now he was where he really wanted to be, the training room. He set up a wooden dummy where he could let out all his built up frustration. He kicked and punched the wooden man repeatedly, harder and harder.

How long would he feel this way? How long would he be drawn to her? How long would it take his stupid heart to accept that she loved someone else?

He hit the dummy harder, it began to splinter.

"_I should be happy for anything I get._" He thought to himself. "_She doesn't have to talk to me, she had every right to hate me for pulling her into my mind. But that's not who she is. She is amazing. I'm lucky to even be her friend_."

It splintered again.

"And Robin is the luckiest son of a bitch in the world." The image of them kissing flashed into his mind again, a moment that would be burned into his mind forever.

He punched the wooden dummy square in the center of the chest and it shattered into large pieces.

"It's not impressive when they don't fight back."

Roy jumped back in surprise stumbling against another one of the wooden dummies. He caught himself and looked in the direction the voice had come from. And there he saw a familiar shape walking towards him. She was dressed in a tank top and tight running shorts and tennis shoes. She still had long bangs that framed her face but she wore the rest of her hair long now, it reached the middle of her back.

"What.. How… Raven?" he stammered out in a mixture of confusion and a desire he tried desperately to calm.

"You can't really get much of a work out against these things." She replied tapping another of the wooden dummies. "And since you said the rest of your team is out, I'm here to be your sparring partner." She smiled as she reached back and gathered her long purple locks into a ponytail.

"But.. How did you.."

"Um, I can travel between plains of reality and different dimensions, tower to tower? Not exactly hard."

"Rae.. you can't just leave your city to come spar with me, what if there's an emergency?"

"The guys are still there and Jump has been quieting down again. Besides if they really need me Robin knows where I am."

"Of course he does." He couldn't keep all the emotion from leaking into the words. "Look Rae, I appreciate the thought but I'm fine with the dummies, you didn't have to come out here."

She laughed.

"Please, I came because it occurred to me that you are the only male Titan I haven't beat in a sparring match."

"We've never sparred at all. Wait, you've beat everyone else?"

She grinned and nodded.

"You beat Cyborg?"

"It's not all about strength, I am much faster than he is and he leaves his weak spots open as he moves."

"Beast Boy? Well no never mind, I know you beat him. When did you fight the twins? Or Aqualad for that matter?"

"Same day, it was a few years back, when I was with Eric." She smiled sadly. "The twins were difficult at first, but after a while they got predictable. Aqualad, I hate to say wasn't much of a challenge."

"Yea, he's not really a one on one, more of a support kind of fighter. But be fair, he also is reluctant to hit a girl."

"Are you trying to say I didn't really win that match?" Raven asked with mock offense.

"I'm not saying you didn't, I'm also not saying you did." He smiled playfully.

"Well Robin and I currently have an even score, and I'm pretty sure he is the best hand to hand fighter of all of us."

"That's true." He replied flatly, mentally chastising himself for having forgot for a moment that she was taken.

"So." She said.

"So?" he asked.

"Let's get started." She smiled positioning herself to spar.

"Raven, I'm not going to spar with you." He replied and turned and squatted down to pick up the pieces of the destroyed wooden dummy.

"Why not?" she asked.

"I'm just not. Look at this thing, I don't want to hurt-" he was interrupted by his face hitting the ground and being held there. He managed to turn his head slightly and understand what happened. She had swept his legs laying him flat on his belly and now Raven's shoe was pressed down against his neck holding him in place.

"You were not just about to make any inference that I am weak. Right." She said with a slight glow of white to her eyes.

"Me? No, no I would never, ever, ever. I was actually trying to say that I didn't want to hurt –" he caught sight of a loose piece of wood from the dummy. " myself! With all this loose wood! Splinters, they are killers ya know."

She watched him carefully for a moment, then let him up. Her eyes returned to normal and she couldn't help but laugh a little. He got to his feet and joined her in a laugh.

"Alright, you really want to do this?" he asked with a smile.

"Yes." She smiled back.

"Ok, but no powers. This is just hand to hand skill."

"Always." She smiled even bigger.

They each took position opposite each other, watching carefully, both deciding if they should make the first move or not. Raven moved first. She reached out to punch him in the jaw, he moved to the side to avoid her but she anticipated him and quickly adjusted, reaching out with her other fist she connected but it was a weak blow.

He took the hit and reached out grabbing her wrist and pulling her off balance, he through her and re positioned himself in a defensive stance. She got to her feet quickly and charged at him with a series of fast and hard blows to the face and stomach, he blocked most but not all of them. She caught him hard in the stomach, he doubled over.

"Oh come on Roy, you're not even trying!" she said breathlessly.

He smiled, his plan was working. He wanted her to attack him, to wear herself down so he could take her down without having to actually hurt her. But she couldn't know that. He ran at her, she dodged him and kicked him at the back of the knee. He went down. She jumped at him moving to knee him in the stomach while he was down but he caught her leg and brought her to the ground with him. Before he realized it he was on top of her. He hesitated, the cruel desire in his mind showing him possibilities that could never be. His hesitation was enough for her to turn them and she was on top, for a split second this brought even more to mind. Reality hit him, literally, she brought down a double fist against his chest. It winded him momentarily, she moved off of him. He moved to stand and again she tried to slam her knee against his stomach but he blocked her and stood grabbing her arm and twisting it so he held it behind her back, he brought his other arm around the front of her shoulders locking her into place against him.

"What do you say Rae, admit defeat?" he whispered to her. He was enjoying this too much, he needed to get away.

"Why? You tired Roy?" her voice was worn and breathless. "How bout we make it interesting. I win and I get a favor."

"And if I win?" he asked

"What do you want?" she asked. The words sent a hot shiver through him.

"_Damn it Roy! Pull it together_!"

"Same, I get a favor from you." He said quickly.

"So we have a deal?" she asked through her heavy breaths.

"Deal." He responded.

"Good." She said, and he noticed her voice was perfectly steady, her breathing was calm and in no way strained. He felt her pulling away from him before he realized she had slipped her arm out of his grip and pressed herself tighter against him to escape his locked arm. Every move she made seemed to happen in slow motion, he had no time to react. She was out of his grasp and facing him. Time returned to normal. He saw her smile. Her fist connected harder than it had their entire match and hit him in the jaw sending his head against his will in the other direction, her next punch was to his side, sending pain coursing through his body. He stumbled. Her foot hit the back of his knee again.

When had she moved behind him?

He crashed down onto his knees and held his hand to his side, his entire body was in waves of pain. He opened his eyes in time to see her turn in a circle giving her leg the momentum it needed to slam against his chest and send him flying backwards. He landed hard against a pile of wooden dummies.

She had played him.

He was breathless, his body ached and his pride was shattered. He felt rather than saw her foot against his throat again.

"Do you admit defeat." She asked, her voice was strong, not even a hint of fatigue. She was impressive.

"Yes." He answered softly glancing up her. Definitely impressive.

"Good," she began, "because as patient a person as I am, I am tired of waiting."

He looked at her with confusion.

"I want my favor now." She said.

"Ok. What is it?" he asked, still very confused.

She stepped over him so her feet were on either side of him and then slowly got down on her knees so she straddled him. He felt his heart racing, and his body tense. She leaned forward so they were only inches apart.

"Raven.." he started. Knowing he should stop her, he should protest, push her away, and remind her of Robin. But she was so close to him, he felt the warmth of her skin against him, smelled that sweet lilac scent on her. He had dreamt of a moment like this so many times, maybe this was just another dream, maybe he was asleep in his bed, if it was a dream it couldn't hurt anyone.

"I need to know Roy, even if it's just once, I need to know how it feels." She whispered softly.

"How what feels?" he asked, his throat tightening with a desire he wasn't sure he could fight anymore.

"Kissing you." She whispered as she brought her lips to his softly. Bringing with her a warmth he had only ever known in the sunset garden of his mind where she had lived.


	23. Chapter 23

His body reacted to her instantly, where he had been tense in fear of losing control he now was relaxed against her, letting himself enjoy the small weight of her on top of him. Her kiss was sweet and tender, the soft kiss he had felt in his mind, the one he had felt for a moment but savored and reveled in ever since. Her lips were warm and plump, they parted for him slowly and their kiss deepened. His arms wrapped around her instinctively, one around her waist the other up her back and neck into her hair. She moved down placing her elbows on either side of his head and pushing her own body even more against his.

He had to be dreaming.

He pulled her tighter and their kiss began to grow passionate. He felt her moan into his mouth and it only heightened his excitement. He rolled them so she lay on her back and he was on top of her. Her arms moved around him hugging him tightly to her as their mouths danced together in a furious passion.

The memory of her with Robin flashed into his mind, he wasn't dreaming.

He pulled away from her, throwing himself off of her and quickly moving as far away as he could. He stood up and looked back at her, her expression was confused and concerned. He looked away and paced the room frustrated.

"Damn it, damn it what have I done?" he whispered to himself.

"Roy?" Raven called to him. "What's the matter?"

He looked back at her again, that cruel desire rose in him again. He continued to pace and cursed himself.

"I thought," she began, embarrassment crawling into her quiet voice, "was it not good?"

He stopped and looked at her, she had brought her knees to her chest and held them protectively with her arms she looked down, refused to look up at him. It broke his heart for her to think he might not want her. He got down in front of her and grabbed her hand before he could stop himself.

"God Rae that's not it at all. You are amazing, that was amazing, trust me, I very much enjoyed it." He tried not to sound too eager.

"So did I." She smiled reaching her hand out to his cheek, he leaned into it for moment cherishing her touch. She moved to kiss him again.

"No, no Rae, we can't do this." He said as he moved away quickly and began pacing again.

"I don't understand Roy." She sighed with the beginnings of irritation.

"Raven come on, this isn't like you at all. Why are you doing this?" he asked with sad frustration.

She stood up and looked at him for a long time, she moved towards him but didn't reach for him.

"I remember everything that happened in your mind, all the beauty, all the pain. It was all just as real to me as it was to you. I needed to know if what I felt when we kissed there, was the same here." She moved closer, slowly she reached her hand out to him again. "It wasn't the same, it was so much better."

Against his will he leaned into her hand, after a moment or two she moved closer yet again and put her other hand on his chest. He looked down at her, she was so beautiful, so amazing. He couldn't help himself. He put his arm around her and pulled her against him. She lay her head on his chest and he held her tight. Cherishing the touch, the moment, but hating himself for not stopping it.

"_I'll do it for you, I'd do anything for you." _He thought to himself sadly.

_ "I want to be strong, I want to be the better man."_

_"I won't deserve you, I won't forgive myself." _

She felt a drop hit her face, she looked up at him and realized he was crying silently.

"Roy?"

"_Someday you'll hate me too."_

He looked down at her, their eyes met, hers were concerned, and his were heartbroken.

"Please don't turn me into that man." He whispered sadly.

She reached both her hands up to him and held his face in her hands, her concern was evident.

"What is the matter Roy? What man? What are you talking about?"

"The one who sleeps with his friend's girlfriend." He answered defeated.

Her eyes widened in surprise and she pulled away from him in shock.

"I know you guys are keeping it quiet, I'm probably the only one that knows."

"Who.. what?" was all she said.

"Raven come on, I know! I know that you and Robin are together. You have been pretty much since you woke up." He said with a hint of anger. Why was she pretending? Clearly he knew, there was no point hiding it anymore.

"Why would you think that?" she finally asked. "Did he tell you we were?"

"He didn't have to. I saw you." The bitterness in his voice was impossible to miss.

"Saw us?"

"Saw you together, as in 'together', the day you woke up. I didn't mean too. I was coming to talk to you and I just saw."

She was quiet. Thinking, processing.

"What do you think you saw exactly?" she asked with more curiosity than concern.

"Really? Are you serious right now? You want me to describe it to you? No, no I'm not doing that! You think I wanted to see? You think I wanted to know? No! I didn't, I never ever wanted to see that. But it's burned into my brain, I can never get that image out of my mind, it just stays and tortures me every time I close my eyes! I just see his arms around you, his hands on your body, and his lips on your lips. And your arms around him and the passion in your kiss, and it makes me sick!" He was yelling.

"The passion in my kiss makes you sick?" she asked.

"The passion you showed him! The intimacy you gave him! The touches with you he had! The moment he got to share with you! That makes me sick." The fire in him raged.

"Why?"

"It should have been mine! You should be mine, we should be us! I should be with you, not him. Me. I love you. And it makes me sick to know he has you, that he gets your passion, your intimacy, your love." His anger had flared and then fizzled into sadness.

A long silence passed between them.

"Titans West is disbanding." She said.

He almost fell back with the quick change of subject.

"Beast Boy is setting up a new tower in Europe, Kid Flash and Wonder Girl have agreed to join his team and help him find some other members. Cyborg will be transferring here, to join Titans East."

Roy was listening and trying to understand but his confusion was overruling his logical thought processes. Was she just going to ignore all that he said?

"And where will you and Robin go." He asked without realizing he had thought it.

"Robin is going to Bludhaven, Jump has become a pretty stable place, not enough crime for him." She smiled. "Bludhaven is the perfect place for him."

"Then you like it there? That's good. You should like your new home." His voice was steady, sad, but steady.

"Oh I'm not going to Bludhaven. I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying in Jump, I have offered to help train new members on a limited basis but for the most part my life as a hero is done." She answered turning and walking towards the exit.

"But, what about you and Robin?" he asked after her.

"We are as we always have been, the best of friends, and nothing more." She smiled.

He nodded, acknowledging her love for- "Wait what?!"

"You're an idiot Roy." She laughed as she entered the portal of black energy and disappeared.


End file.
